Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

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Friday, October 21, 2005

Infertility Bites

I read several blogs that are founded on infertility issues. I read them because I'm an infertile too. I have two beautiful children that I worked really hard to bring home. It took me 8 years and four miscarriages to bring home my twins and I'm very very blessed for getting the 'two for one special'. I'm clear on that and there is no way to deny it.

But.... I don't believe I'll ever get over my infertility battle. When I read blogs that announce a pregnancy after infertility I cry because I'm so happy for the parents-to-be. Deep down inside me though, there is this little nagging feeling of "why isn't it me"? To be truthful, it would be horrible it if was me, as I'm just not healthy enough to carry any pregnancy to term, plus I'm so damn old that I'd make headlines in USA Today if I ever did become pregnant, but the nagging never goes away. I still have vicious baby hunger. I can't imagine having to care for an infant again, but I feel royally rooked because I only had the one pregnancy that went to term, and that one was so filled with stress and anxiety and denial that I don't remember much of it at all, and what I do remember isn't very happy. I remember my time in the hospital on bedrest. I don't remember all those glowing moments you're supposed to carry with you, mostly because there weren't that many of them.

I lost one of my pregnancies in the second trimester to PROM, so I never got to trust in my take-home pregnancy until I hit 28 weeks, and then I had premature labor at 29 weeks that resulted in a week in the hospital and then strict bedrest until delivery at 35 weeks. I didn't even get to experience labor since the Girl was in trouble due to IUGR, I had to be induced, and they made it quick but painless due to the epidural. Because of the induction I never felt one contraction on my own. I know some folks are saying "What the hell are you complaining about, you idjit" but to me, that's just another loss.

Infertility is marked by so many losses. I know that many infertiles who have miscarried mark the deaths of their babies in their .sigs, and spend a lot of time commenting about how they're going to meet their angels with Jesus. I don't believe in Jesus, I question that notion of heaven, and I don't believe my babies would recognize me anymore than I would recognize them. They're 'products of conception' according to the medical records, sucked out of me in a D&C.

What bothers me so much about my 8 years of infertility is the complete loss of control over my body and my desires. I never got to choose anything. I didn't get to decide the size of my family, or the spacing of siblings (what, 7 minutes isn't what everyone wants in sibling spacing?), nor did I get to decide anything about their conception. No romantic vacations in the Caribbean and a 'whoops' pregnancy for me. Mine were clinical conceptions.

My twins were concieved on Christmas Day, 1991 in a petrie dish at 1 Boylston Place, 6th floor. There was absolutely no romance involved. That handsome man on the right is my RE. That's about the extent of the romance involved in that particular conception, me staring at that face and thinking 'yummmmmm'!

Then I didn't get to decide the number of babies I would carry. My pregnancy was initially triplets, but I lost one at 9 weeks (and I don't even count that in my miscarriages because I'm not sure that would be Kosher) at Drumlin Farm whilst caring for my brother's three children while he and his wife were on a cruise, the first vacation they had been on in 15 years of marriage. While I had the kids I had to stay on bedrest in order to keep the pregancy intact. However, while I was in bed, my initial OB was screaming "You're going to DIE" to me because he thought a twin pregnancy was too dangerous and forced me to see a doctor in town that does multiple reductions. I saw the doctor but I had no intention of doing a reduction. I changed OBs and my cardiologist and my OB worked together to ensure a safe, but exciting pregnancy.

So why am I whinging about this 13 years after I become a member of the Mom's Club? Because it just doesn't go away, this pain and longing. I know my family is complete, there is no way I can care for more children, but I'm very sad about this and sometimes it overwhelms me with a desire that will never be quenched.
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Blogger Happy Mama to Three said...

I know that feeling oh so well. It nags me many times a week. Especially when I catch a whiff of new baby smell, that baby powder and soft skin scent that belongs only to one kind of human. It's sometimes and unquenchable need to hold my own child..it isn't ever going to happen though. After 8 and a half years of infertility I was blessed with one and five years and five misscarriages later the second. I thank God every day for them. BUT, I also wish that I had had control, and choice, and I wish I had been a fertile myrtle. I feel with you M, every day.


21/10/05 5:06 PM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

I don't know what to say, other than I'm so sorry. This is a powerful piece of writing. I also read a lot of infertility blogs even though I don't have issues. It is a travesty that so many smart, good people have to suffer through infertility.

22/10/05 8:55 AM  

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