Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, December 02, 2005

Rotting Brain Cells

Is it just me, or can you feel your brain turning to mush, too? I know it's a combination of lack of sleep compounded by boredom beyond belief and the lack of anything to do. I need something to do. I don't know what it could possibly be, but I need something to keep my mind from atrophying back to infancy.

Today I had to attend a meeting to discuss our family dynamics with the various therapists we see. We do a coordinated care thing every month or so, and I usually forget about it until the night before and then have very little to say in the meeting because I'm unprepared and overwhelmed and even more so, exhausted from no sleep. Today's meeting was not all that different, but we spent quite a bit of time discussing whether or not it is advantagous for me to bitch at the Girl because she does not brush her hair much. She wears it back in a bun, and from day to day, she never bothers to take it down. It looks fine, you wouldn't know she never brushes it unless you know her habits in general, but for some reason this was really bothering one case worker and she wanted me to make her brush her hair daily. The child's hair is down to her waist, it's remarkably thick and curly, and brushing it takes a lot of time, time she's not willing to put into it. When she straightens her hair with the flat iron, she'll wear it down and brushes it often, but it she just lets it dry naturally she's got kinda a Janis Joplin look, and she puts it into a bun and leaves it there until it's time for another shower.

Now, I don't have a problem with this. And I'm not sure why I should have a problem with this. If she was getting comments from her peers, she would make changes, but she isn't. Her hair is no different than many of her school peers, and as long as she's comfortable with it, why the hell should I make a big deal of it? I have enough of a problem getting her to clean up her messes and brushing her teeth, why do I need another battle? So I said at the meeting that I was not into this particular fight and was unwilling to do it, and boy, did I get the looks. I said that I'm a proponent of the Pick Your Battles school of parenting and this wasn't a battle I was willing to undertake. Very sour looks all around. Fuck them.

I walked out of the meeting and got into the car of the caseworker that gave me the ride over, and I just burst out crying. I'm so tired and so overwhelmed and I hate this time of year more than anything. I'm depressed and in a big phunk and I want things to be easier and happier. I don't want to harp on my kid's hair care needs. The case worker, who has only seen me be chipper and accomodating, which is the way I have learned how to deal with all these people, was shocked. She backpedaled so fast that she was about to kiss my feet. I just let go and told her how frustrated I am to have all these extraneous people involved in the minutae of our lives, and how tough it was to be told what I should be focussing on when what I believe we should be focussing on is how far the kids have improved and how much better things are. But in these meeting, being positive means that services will be cut, and we need the services. So they continue to niggle at me and the kids, in order for the kids to get their counseling and the services they need. It really stinks.

I'm tired of dealing within the system. I don't get welfare or food stamps or anything like that. I just need health insurance and for that we have to endure so much. But they pay for the kid's health insurance, and we so need it that I just have to take it. Mostly I'm OK with it, but this time of year I get uber-sensitive and I just can't take as much as I can when it's sunny and pleasant out.

Are you tired of my whining yet?
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