Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Free at last.

A guest blog from Neener
50-something, soon-to-be-divorced-after-21-years-of-marriage pal of Margalit's. This was my actual dream last night. Perhaps the most hilarious nightmare of my life. Only the names of the innocent have been changed :-)

The Dream:

I am still living in Atlanta, but in a different house.
My former in-laws, George and Meryl, are visiting from Florida.
Jeff and I are somehow back together.

I get up from bed and go to the bathroom.
On my way I run my fingers across Jeff's naked body.
He purrs with pleasure, then says, “how come you never did that when we were married.”
I think, “BULLSHIT, of course I did that when we were married, you fucking asshole!”

The bathroom floor is all wet when I get there, and stinks of dog pee.
George and Meryl’s (are they now my out-laws?) dachshund Rusty has peed everywhere.
I have to get up early and be in Alpharetta by 9:00 AM
I tell Meryl that Rusty the dog has peed all over my bathroom and I can’t take a shower.
She is embarrassed but does nothing about cleaning it up.

I try to get dressed but can’t figure out what to wear. My clothes are all messed up.
Jeff winces at everything I put on, implying, but not actually saying, that he doesn’t like it.
The usual passive aggressive b.s.

I hear the squeaky brakes of the school bus stopping outside.
Ezra, my younger son, is eating breakfast and has missed the bus to school.
(He doesn’t actually take a bus to school in real life, but he did in New York and it had squeaky brakes.)
I tell Jeff that Ezra will now have to walk to school, I can't drive him.
He doesn’t offer to drive Ezra.

It’s getting close to 8:00 AM.
I wonder if I have time to drive Ezra to school and still get to Alpharetta by 9:00.
I can’t find my purse.
I find my purse.

Meryl says, “You can’t go to Alpharetta, we have tickets to a Game Preserve that we reserved months ago.”
I say, OK, but I still have to be in Alpharetta by 9:00.

We go to the Game Preserve. I drive everyone, and the valet parks my black X-Terra.
Somehow, I’m still responsible for two of the dogs I had when I lived with Danny Reisman 22 years ago.
They dogs haven't been fed. They haven’t been walked.
The Game Preserve has a kennel, but they’re out of food.
Kenneling the dogs costs “extra” but of course I pay.
The Newfoundland and the Golden Retriever are safe in the Game Preserve kennel.

I look at my watch and oh shit, it’s noon!
I completely freak out, and try to call my boss.
But I cannot make the cell phone work…I just can’t find my boss' number, can’t see the keys, they’re too small.
Now I demand that the valet bring my car.
I keep trying to call my boss and explain why I'm late.
Jeff does nothing to help.
I wonder Ezra ever made it to school, walking.
I'd call his school if I could only get the cell phone working.

Meryl goes on and on about the Game Preserve and the fucking animals.
George is shooting pictures of tigers.
The valet can’t find my car.
Everytime a black car comes down the driveway, George says, “Here it comes!”
But it’s not my car.

Then they bring me the Danny Reisman dogs.
They still haven’t been fed, but are insanely happy to see me after 22 years.
I say to the valet parking guy, “Look, if you totaled my car, just tell me. I can’t wait here anymore.”
They can’t find my car.

Two slezoid guys are eating sloppy sandwiches that smell bad.
Suddenly I’m yelling in the obnoxious way George and Jeff always do when they get a lousy table in a restaurant or a driver cuts them off.
Two hours have gone by. Forget Alpharetta. Forget my job. I'm screwed.

I wake up.
It’s a dream, just a dream.
Yes, I still have to get to Alpharetta by 9:00 A.M.
But I don’t have to feed dogs, walk them, clean up dog pee, deal with my in laws, listen for the school bus or stimulate my husband.
It’s just not my job anymore.

Good morning!

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Blogger margalit said...

This is just as funny the second time around. I just WISH I could remember my dreams. I have a feeling that they aren't this filled with rich characters, though. The whole vision is hilarious.

9/2/06 6:48 PM  
Blogger mayleine said...

hi! i'm glad you're free at last. you must be really brave to do that. :)

9/2/06 11:49 PM  
Blogger Carmi said...

Damn, that's funny. The image of the dog pee-covered bathroom floor is going to stay in my mind for a while.

10/2/06 6:46 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

"are they now my out-laws?"--hilarious!!!

I especially LOVED the last paragraph.

And to Margalit: apparently I haven't visited in a while. I love the new design!

10/2/06 10:56 PM  

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