Sometimes being a grownup just plain sucks. Today I had to make some really tough decisions, decisions that not only affect me and my family, but the community to which we belong. Again, I can't post the particulars, but suffice it to say it was a very tough choice I had to make, and I did it for the welfare of my family and others, even though in the short run it isn't going to be great for anyone involved. I'm sad and sorry and feel very down because I don't choose to hurt anyone, but know I had to for the better good. There are so many things that I wish I could change, but the fact is, sometimes life just beats you down and there is nothing anyone can do about it but hope for eventual change.
After the Boy's guitar lesson, I decided that we needed to get out of the house and take a quick trip to Staples for some office supplies, and then I'd take the kids out for pizza. For once, no complaints. Because it has been the first time in ages it's just been us, the mood was light and we had a good time with no moaning and groaning.
It seemed almost odd to be just us, after so many visitors night after night. I like having company, honestly I do, but there are days when you just need your family and a bit of alone time. I'd been longing for some time to catch up with the kids without an audience, and it was great. I think we all felt relieved to have the time to share what's going on in our respective lives.
Once your kids reach a certain age, they choose friends over family. I understand that, but family has to take precedence over friends. That's a hard concept for teenagers to understand, so it's my job as the "adult" to make it happen. That isn't always easy. Kids want to come over because they know our house is always a safe place to be. Funny that it turned out to be our house that's the safe house, but that must give you all an inkling of how fucked up other families in our community must be. If my family is the sane one, what the heck is happening in this world?
I feel overwhelmed at times because too many people count on me. I want my kids to count on me, and I hope that they'll always know that they can come to me no matter what. But do I want ever teen in a 10 mile radius to count on me too? I don't think I do. I don't know. I'm so torn between helping kids to be safe and to feel like they can trust me, and needing space for our own issues.
Of course, our issues are kinda normal compared to other people. That's so interesting to me after a couple of years back when we were trauma central and everyone else seemed so blessed with great kids. I felt cursed back then, but maybe it's just that my kids were precocious and did the worst of their acting out at 11 instead of during the teen years. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and we're just in a decent lull right now. Who knows? Stumble It! JBlog Me