Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Thursday, June 15, 2006

Finger dragged across my throat

Termination. Quite a powerful word. When I think of it, I think of Jim Morrison singing "This is the end, my beautiful friend, the end...."

Next week is my last week in therapy. I'm terminating. Done. Gonzo.

Today we talked about the wrap up, and I realized how far I've come in the past 10 months, since I started this round of therapy. I had specific goals, as one is supposed to do these days in therapy. Of those goals, I fulfilled every one. This doesn't mean I don't have more work to do, because we all do. Nobody but nobody is perfect and I'm happy to admit to my flaws. I work on them, and I'm certainly cognizant of them, but this past 10 months I've just moved right along and started taking control of stuff that I had sort of lost along the way.

Working certainly helps. It has aided in my financial stress, allowing me not to freak out so much about money for the first time in a couple of years. It has given me a sense of accomplishment, and it's allowed my mind to ramp up after a year or so of plain mental stagnation.

I've purposely moved beyond being just the Girl's mom or the Boy's mom. I'm creating my own identity after 13 years of being mom first and me second. For me, one of those 'my kids always come first" selfless moms, this has been an amazing move forward, and I'm liking it a lot.

My parenting skills have improved vastly in the past couple of years. I have gained a lot me self-confidence about the choices I make regarding my kids. As they get further and further into the teen angst stage, I've taught myself when to be involved and when to back up and let them solve their issues themselves. I've let them mature and looking back over this school year I've seen tremendous growth with both kids. I'm not taking all the credit, but I seem to get this developmental stage more than I did the preteen stage. We're doing really well as a family, functioning smoothly and seemingly seamlessly right now. It won't last, but it's good now.

I'm so much happier than I was when I started this round of therapy. I feel like my life is just better all around. I'm not as anxious, or as volatile as I was last fall. My fuse has grown dramatically. I'm easier to get along with. I'm also having a lot more fun. Some of this is because I feel more confident with the ICD implanted. I don't feel like I'm going to keel over and die anymore, which is a great relief. Some of this is giving up driving, which has allowed me to be calmer and less rage-filled. Although when I was going to therapy someone made a left hand turn from the right lane directly in front of the handicapped vehicle I use for transportation. Instead of getting ticked, I just laughed!

This termination thing feels good. I'm very ready, and I'm feeling like we're humming along so well that I don't need to spend time focussing on me. I'm fine. Really fine. And that's the coolest thing of all!
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Blogger gordaboo said...

oh i'm sooo happy for you. I've lurked on your site for some time now cause I share some of your angst with my own boy and girl.

16/6/06 3:44 PM  

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