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Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Nobel prize winner recommends?

Every once in a while, I watch infomercials. I don't know why I'm attracted to them, or then again maybe I do. I love the way they are written, sort of kind of promising that your life will change for the better if you purchase whatever the product is, and blaring about all the amazing research and support their product has in the medical world while not really telling you anything specific. That type of vague prose is actually fairly hard to write and I find it quite amusing.

The other night I was working, which means sitting at my desktop for hours on end, editing a highly technical manuscript about to be published. It requires me to concentrate closely on my work, so when whatever I was watching on TV ended, and the infomercials commenced, I just left the TV on as background noise.

First was a new Proactive commercial featuring Kelly Clarkson. She doesn't interest me, as I'm so not an American Idol fan (stop throwing rotten tomatos right now!) so I didn't pay much attention to all the attributes of the Proactive skin system. I don't have bad skin, but a friend who is a sucker for free stuff once gave me samples of the Proactive line. I used it all, but saw absolutely no change in the condition of my skin. Does it work for acne? I dunno.

Next was the Bosley Hair System. This one always cracks me up. They've got Mr Bosley, who talks about all his research on baldness, and quotes a Nobel Prize Winner several times. We don't know what they guy won his Nobel Prize in, but I'm guessing it wasn't baldness research. I like the before and after versions of the men, but my favorite part of these infomercials is how all the men state that they had no self-confidence when they were bald, but once they got those follicles transferred, all hell broke loose on the confidence scale. It's the male equivalent of "Do these pants make me look fat?" What I always wonder though is, how come so many men are shaving their heads these days? It's like we've become a nation of Kojaks. When did the Mr Clean look supercede just plain male pattern baldness? Is it sexier? Or just more socially acceptable? It's better than a combover, I think.

Last was the Ionic Breeze. I gotta wonder why Sharper Image keeps churning out these things when Consumers Report proved that they are literally worthless and do not work as promised. But people must keep buying them because the infomercial is on a lot, and I see them in the Sharper Image store, front and center. I use an air filter. I'm an asthmatic and an air filter when I'm sleeping not only helps me breathe better, it provides a lot of white noise when I'm sleeping. I live on a large plot of land and we have very little ambient noise, so why do I need white noise to sleep? Because we have the loudest frigging birds on the planet living in the trees right outside my bedroom windows. One bird, that has to be a mocking bird, has learned to mimic exactly the sound of the phone being dialed. He must live right outside the Girl's bedroom, where the phone is dialed maybe 50 times a day.

Anyhow, the Ionic Breeze makes all kinds of claims, none of which appear to be true, and they do it without blinking an eye. The woman on that commecial is so damn perky, too. It's like she's learning about a new and important lifestyle change, and she just cannot wait to share it. One of the virtues of the Ionic Breeze, according to the infomercial, is that it runs silently. That would definately not be a big turn-on for me, because I like the roar of my Honeywell Hepa Filter air purifier, which sounds suspiciously like a private jet running under my bed. Had I only had this air filter when my babies were small and colicky. It would have worked a lot better, I think, than the looping tape of my vacuum cleaner that I used to soothe them to sleep. That mutha was LOUD. They loved it. Maybe being in my particular uterus was a tad bit noisier or something, because those kids craved loud white noise.

And that's the infomercial report from late night TV. Tonight is about 10 episodes in a row of Ask This Old House, so I'm learning many home care tips. Those guys are so goofy. I miss Norm.
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