Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Blogathon 2006 Post #10

The Boy is watching Harry Potter 4 and the dragon scene is on. Man, it is annoyingly loud with all that dragon growling. Give me a little meow anyday! I'm still not dressed but plan to after this post. Because I have new clean clothes straight from the dryer. It's the little things, people!

I mostly worry about.....

My children, especially the Boy. I would do just about anything to make his life happier, but he isn't even going half way. He's angry and annoyed and my guess is, he's terribly lonely but he just doesn't know how to fix things and frankly, he's too old to have mommy set up playdates for him. So he's been alone almost the whole summer and that sucks. It scares me a lot, because his temper is wearing really thin and he's becoming more and more demonstrative of his anger, like punching a hole in the hall wall last night. Yes, he'll be fixing it up himself. And yes, he was punished. But still.... he's not a happy camper and he's taking his anger out on his sister and me.

I also worry a lot about my health. A couple of days ago I found out that an old coworker of mine who was about 2 years younger than me died, leaving a daughter the same age as my kids. It really hit home and I was very upset, more upset than when my father died. This death left me thinking about my own mortality and how I have to be even more careful than I have been about my health. I have to take it very seriously and sometimes I don't. My heart always seems ok as long as the edema is down but I am lax about taking my lasix daily. I hate the stuff. I hate being chained to the bathroom for hours at a time.

Lastly, I worry about money all the time. Every minute of the day, I've got money on my mind. It's hard enough going for weeks without a penny to my name, and I do that fairly often, but to be in a position where I own way more than I take in scares me. I don't know how to solve this problem, either. It is just too expensive to live in the Boston area on disability. I can't keep doing this unless we get subsidized housing. Since we've been waiting for years, that doesn't look very plausable anymore. Money scares me. I am frugal beyond belief, and when I don't have it I don't spend it. I don't use credit cards although I have one. I strictly use my debit card. I live on what I make, and it is not enough. I don't have enough money for food right now, so we're living on the pantry and my kids are HUNGRY. We're out of almost everything and until I get my next check, we'll have to remain out. When the check arrives, it's spend. Gone. Between housing and bills, and the freaking dentist, there is no money for food. None.

I think about what I can sell, and I just get frozen in fear. Money worries consume me. This month I incurred $3500 worth of unexpected bills that I just can't pay. The dentist, the plumber, and summer camp all at once. And the Boy has outgrown every pair of pants he owns. EVERY pair. Plus his winter coat. He needs at least $300 for new clothing and I don't have it. And I'm not going to get it. Their birthday is at the end of August and I have no way at all of getting them presents. Since I'm the ONLY one who ever gets them anything (see post on my childhood for a hint as to why), this seriously sucks. I feel so guilty and like such a failure for not being able to provide for them. And I'm not talking ipods, I'm talking jeans. I need to figure out who to remedy this.

What do you worry about?


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