Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, August 11, 2006

Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer
came down on my head

I knew it was coming. I've been feeling hints for the past couple of weeks. The stress of all the disasters has been adding to my frustration and anger, but mostly it's not having any time at all to myself, plus being in such a financial morass that I see no clear way out that is bring on my old buddy, depression.

Like so many bloggers, I've been in the throes of clinical depression for many years. Only mine isn't just down in the dumps depression. Oh no, that would be way too easy. I've got an anxiety disorder that manifests itself with absolutely life stopping depression. When it gets me, I can't do anything because my anxiety is so debilitating that simply walking out the door seems impossible. I sleep, and I hide as much as I can. I go into depression hibernation. Once, and only once, many years ago, it got so bad that I became agoraphobic. I couldn't even open the door to get my mail. It took months for me to recover to the point that I could leave my house and go to therapy, but I was frozen. I had to leave the state I was living in and come back to Boston in order to function at all. I'm an expert on having a safe place. I need to feel safe or I just cannot function.

Right now, I'm not functioning. I take 4 hour naps in the middle of the day. I'm snapping almost non-stop at the Boy, who is driving me bonkers right now. I made him cry yesterday and I didn't even apologize because I'm such a wreck that if I start to open up, I'm going to end up losing any composure I have left. I can't do anything. I'm so stuck in frozen fear that I'm just unable to open up at all. It is not safe in my house. It needs to be safe.

I take Effexor to function on good days, but right now, it's not enough. I need to go back to therapy, but with no health insurance, that's not going to happen right now. And mostly I need the kids to go back to school so I can have some time alone, because I can't leave the house right now and we're just falling all over each other here.

I haven't been this bad in several years. I'm scared because I have so much to do and I'm frozen and can't do anything. I'm so angry right now, at the absurdity of being disabled and really sick but with no health insurance because the Governor is such a complete asshat that all the state legislature does these days is override all his vetos to restore money to the social services he's raped in the past 4 years. I'm furious that the housing authority is so dysfunctional that they don't even bother to try and help people that need the help. I'm beside myself because there is no free dental or optical help in the entire state, deeming the people not insured or on medicaid unable to afford much needed care.

People, you know how you read about how people have to choose between food for their families and paying their utility bills. I haven't had enough money to buy groceries in over a month. We've been clearing out the cupboard, the freezer is totally empty now, and we're down to literally rice and pasta. A friend brought over some fresh fruit and veggies today and they're almost gone. The kids were desperate to eat the blueberries, bananas, and melon. We had a green salad with all fresh veggies for dinner. Tomorrow we'll have a stir fry with the bok choy and cabbage, and that's pretty much it. Gone.

The kids have been living on ramen, macaroni and cheese (last box eaten today), saltines, and graham crackers. This is not a healthy diet. No milk, no cheese, no chicken or meat. They need protein, they're eating salt instead. I can't even watch it. I've pretty much stopped eating altogether because I'm diabetic and the food we have is so bad for me that not eating is better than eating. With our last can of tuna gone, there is basically nothing left that I can eat. We don't have any hope of this changing for a month or maybe more. I can use the weight loss, but the hypoglycemia isn't healthy. I can't live on glucose tablets indefinately. We need food. I've even considered going to the grocery and bouncing a check, just so we have food. But now that I have no glasses, that's out.

This isn't a way to live. It's just ridiculous that because I was born with a crappy heart I have to not only suffer from bad health but from a totally uncaring government, both federal and especially state, that refuses to acknowledge that there needs to be a safety net and health insurance for all.

I can't even fathom how we're going to make it through the next few weeks. No food pantry in August, and no hope of hitting the grocery store until the plumber, the dentist, the optomotrist, the phone company, the electric company, and Staples for school supplies are taken care of. Therapy...so far down the list that I just can't even begin to consider it.

Oh, and now that Mass Health has dropped my kids from their roles due to THEIR clerical error, the Boy is going to have to go med free because I can't pay for his meds, which costs hundreds and hundreds of dollars a month. Guess which agency hasn't scheduled my protest hearing despite 3 different requests?

Is there any wonder why my anxiety is at peak levels and I can't stop crying? There is no way out of this mess. None. It gets worse and worse and worse with no stops. Day after day, it is just more bad news, more financial failures and responsibilities. I'm just so sad and so angry and feeling the futility of it all.

My head aches from crying. I want to stop feeling so bad. I want to be a better mother to my children right now. I want them to not be so hungry. I want them to be able to look forward to their birthday in 2 weeks and think that maybe they'll get something. Last night the Girl asked me if we had enough stuff to make a cake, and I had to say no. What kind of life is this? Why can't I get a fucking break, just once?
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Blogger NotSoccer Mom said...

oh i feel so awful for you. i wish i could do something. i want you to know you have friends out here who are sending all good thoughts in the universe YOUR way. please email me if you want to chat, okay?

11/8/06 12:51 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Margalit --

I just ran across your post, and I feel your pain. I have major anxiety issues, but I don't have even half of what you have to deal with. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. And seriously, I'd be happy to make a donation to help. Just let me know.

15/8/06 2:56 PM  
Blogger Marie said...

You're depending on the government to take care of you and it's a losing proposition. Of course sometimes they will come through in one way or another, and if you qualify, you can take advantage of it. But if you continue to look to only them for your basic needs (housing, food, medical) you are setting yourself up for continual frustration, anxiety and depression.

16/8/06 4:48 PM  

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