Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, February 02, 2007

Nights are for worrying

I can't sleep. I didn't think I'd be able to, because my mind is busy imagining all the worst case scenarios that could happen to the Girl. Things that I never should think about in a million years for they are horribly scary and macabre. But that is the way I work, and unless I totally conk myself out on legal but strong drugs, I'm going to be worrying non-stop.

I spent the day trying to be upbeat and working on keeping the Girl from getting scared or worried. We took a nap together snuggled up on the sofa late this afternoon, which was sweet, and she woke up in a good mood, highly unusual for her. She's pretty grumpy after naps.

The night progressed. I had to force myself to cook something for dinner. We need to go grocery shopping in the worst way and I can't find my one card that will work while I wait for the new cards to come. Thank you so much TJX. I finally defrosted some chicken breasts and made a hot curry with brown rice, knowing the Girl would only eat the chicken after it had been wiped off, and the brown rice. Not particularly healthy, but she eats a salad every day at lunch.

We did the Ugly Betty, Gray's Anatomy, Men in Trees thing while being all snuggled up on the sofa while the Boy did his latin homework and surfed YouTube. What did teenage boys DO before YouTube?

When the kids went to bed, I sat down and cried. I can't take in information like this. I don't process it well, and when it hits me, it is overwhelming. Then I do the 'what ifs' until I drive myself crazy with fear and worry.

I let her tell her brother and he then went online and researched it himself. I figured he needed to deal with this information in his own way, and he was pretty respectful after he did some reading. He worries too. He has terribly anxiety issues, and it comes out in weird ways, so the weekend should be fun.

The MRI is scheduled for Tuesday morning. I think once we get the results and then see the RE in early March (although I'm going to try for an earlier appointment), and we actually know what is going on, I'll be better. But I'm very scattered now, knowing that there is a tumor growing on my child's brain.

Her poor brain, which has had so many tough hits since birth. Brain bleeds, enlarged ventricles, microcephaly.... it's all too much to digest. My beautiful, loving Girl, the love of my life, and she has this weird brain that just won't seem to settle down and be normal for her. She is so sweet, so funny, so kind and whacky and fun to be with. We've been having the best period in our mother daughter relationship ever. She has outgrown the teen girl nastiness early, and she's a pleasure to be with every day, all day. I love her with all my heart and I cannot stand to see her go through yet another thing. She's had enough. We all have. We're done.

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Blogger Malady said...

For what it's worth...

Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way...

2/2/07 1:36 PM  
Blogger Becky68 said...

You are in my thoughts. You're a very strong woman & you need to be strong for your family now.

2/2/07 1:40 PM  
Blogger blackbird said...

Oh Margalit!
I wish I had clicked over here a couple of days ago to offer support - prayers, ANYTHING...

I promise to hold you in my thoughts and know that you will find the strength to be a good support for your daughter.

3/2/07 3:06 PM  

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