Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Mortality and old age

Today I was talking to my friend C, and she was talking about how her baby is almost a 3rd grader and how it's making her aware of her mortality. So I said that my baby is about to be a junior in high school and although that's kind of freaking me out, what with the SAT and the college visits and the prep classes, what's really freaking me out is that my sister is turning 61 in a couple of weeks. Sixty one. Man, she is OLD. I said that I didn't really understand how my sister, who used to be 6 years older than I am, is now 20 years older than I am. Just how did that happen? Time warp?

I know a lot of people freak out when they turn 40, but that birthday didn't bother me at all. My 30's weren't my best years, and my 40's started out with a huge bang, as I was hugely pregnant with my twins. I loved that birthday, and all the subsequent ones through my 40's. I felt as if I had finally reached the "right" age. It was comfortable and easy. I didn't have to pretend to be young and cool, I didn't have to listen to crappy 90's music, I didn't have to wear junior fashions and pretend to be hip. I could be me, 40 year-old style. I liked who I was in my forties.

I didn't mind turning 50 either. It wasn't such a great year. It was the year my heart went a bit wonky. It was the year we moved across the country to be back home with our family and friends after a rather dismal stint in Northern California. It was a tough time educationally for the kids, and emotionally for the Boy. Things were changing fast for us, and I wasn't all that thrilled with all the changes.

In a month I'll be 55. I don't think it's going to be a milestone birthday. I don't feel older, wiser, or more put together. But at least I'm not 61 like my old fart sister. heh.

Later on today, I was on the phone with yet another therapist (not mine) and she was asking a bunch of questions, and one of them was, "Are you going to die?"

Um, yeah, we're ALL gonna die sometime, I answered her. What she meant is to ask if I'm in any imminent danger of dying, and the answer is unknown. I don't think I'm going to die soon, I'm fairly stable when I am careful, don't do too much, stay away from exercise, and eat well. Stress does affect my heart negatively. That's just a fact of life when you have CHF. But no, I'm not planning on kicking the bucket any time soon. But what a weird question!

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Blogger Rhea said...

Did she say it just like that: "Are you gonna die?" Not very subtle.

I just turned 49 and I'm OK with it. But I don't know how I'll feel about the next one...

13/6/07 8:28 AM  
Blogger margalit said...

Yeah, she REALLY did say it just like that. You know that word "non-plussed"? I've always wondered just when I was going to feel nonplussed. Bingo. It was the most pregnant pause I think I've ever used in my entire verbal life. Um... yeah, we're all gonna die. Geesh!

13/6/07 9:44 AM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

Interesting question from a shrink. Um yeah hon we're all gonna die someday! Wow. Twins at 40? I was thinking I was old being 45 with a 16yo(soon to be a junior in hs as well) and an 18yo. My 18yo is Bopolar 2 and it ended up we did not have to worry about SATs as he decided to quit high school in February. Irony can be painful.

13/6/07 6:36 PM  

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