Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

This is the Week of Total Suckage

I'm interrupting the last part of my weight series to talk about other stuff that's been going on. Those that know me IRL know that I'm not one to share the intimate details of my day to day existence (despite blogging daily) unless I'm beyond freaked out. Well, welcome to my world of so freaked that I can barely move. How freaked? Got me a prescription for ativan today, just to keep level enough not to kill a certain someone living in my home.

Yup, we're not having a lot of fun this week. The Boy is experiencing his first manic episode, and it's a doozy. Before this week, all of his bipolar symptoms have ranged around his depression, which is similar to how both my mother and sister manifested their bipolar disease as well. That I could deal with. It was hard and it was draining, but I know how to talk to him when he's feeling really down. This new manic stuff... I haven't a clue. I'm so battered and beaten down by what he's been doing and saying that I just don't even know what to do next. I've been in contact with his therapist and his Pdoc and we've already seen the Pdoc and gotten a new medication added to the medley of pills he takes, but even with new meds and plenty of therapy, it's been literally impossible to be around him. He's been, well, I don't really know how to describe it. Terrible. Rude. Insulting. Mean. Threatening. Aggressive. Oppositional. Profane. All of the above and then some. Everything I say is responded to with "Shut Up, Fuck You, Shut the Fuck UP" and that's only the stuff I'm willing to admit online. He's horrible. HORRIBLE.

I know that this is typical of bipolar disease. I know that all the blaming me for the ills of the world is commonplace for a bipolar. But I just don't want to live with it. First, it's making his sister miserable. He is SO mean to her, and spends most of him awake time trying to push every single button he can find. She can't take it like I can, and I'm having plenty of trouble taking it. She hates him, and I don't blame her one bit. He just won't stop.

His therapist tries to remind me that he can't stop. It's organic, she says. She tells me not to engage. Like it's easy to cut a hulking 15 year old bent on driving you nuts out of your life. I want to hospitalize him again. I want him in an ART until he can contain his behavior. But the doctor says we have to give the new medication a try. So far, he's taken two days worth and I've seen no changes. I don't know if I can make it a week.

This isn't easy to talk about because of the guilt involved. This is a child I'm supposed to love no matter what, but he's making it very very hard to love him during this episode. I'm really at the point where I just want him gone. I don't even care where, as long as he leaves me alone. But nobody in their right mind would take him. He's that annoying. I don't like him at all when he's being so mean. I don't really care if it's organic or not at this point. It's painful to watch him tear his sister to shreds, and then turn on me when I get on his case for anything.

He's still talking to himself, but he says he doesn't hear voices. I don't think this is a psychotic break, and evidently his Pdoc doesn't either. But something is horribly wrong, it's really affecting everyone around him, and I don't know how to make it better. I'm stymied. I have no answers.

He knows he's annoying, he thinks it's funny. He knows he's killing our relationship, but he doesn't seem to care. I get that something is wrong. I know he is in pain. But honestly, does he have to bring me and the Girl down with him?

If you guys believe in praying to a higher being of your choice, could you please say a prayer for him. He needs all the help he can get.

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Blogger KLee said...

I'm so sorry that things are going so badly. I was struck by your comments last week at WW that you really have so much on your plate right now, and his journey through is a hard road for all of you to deal with. I don't have any sage advice for you, and I can't begin to understand your troubles, but just know that we are here for you, and we will do anything we can to help you through this.

15/8/07 7:04 PM  
Blogger blackbird said...

You've got my prayers...

15/8/07 7:55 PM  
Blogger Jendeis said...

I know that you are at high freak-out level, but you do seem to be handling things as well as you can.

I know that for me, my psych drugs take more than 2 days to kick in, so The Boy may need a little more time to even out.

Also, since you said that this is his first manic period, he may just need to learn how to deal with these episodes in order to be less of a schmuck to everyone the next time around. I know it took me awhile to learn that. :)

15/8/07 9:44 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

He is exactly how my younger gets when he is manic. He was so hateful to my mother I wanted to hurt him. It's terrible to try and live with someone like this. You want to say 1000mg of thorazine NOW! Except they don't do that anymore. I don't know how to help you except to say I know exactly how he's acting. He won't remember being such a creep either. Yes, manics have to torture everyone around them but moreso the ones they love and trust the most. Big hugs and take the ativan when needed.

15/8/07 9:46 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

Boy, does that take me back. I am the child of a bipolar parent. It's a tremendously difficult thing to live with and I am so sorry your family is going through this. My prayers are with you and yours.

15/8/07 11:04 PM  
Anonymous bethany actually said...

You've all got my prayers. I hope things improve soon.

16/8/07 12:26 AM  
Blogger purple_kangaroo said...

Big hugs, and I'm praying for him, you and your family right now.

16/8/07 2:31 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Many many good thoughts coming your way.

Hang in there Margalit.

16/8/07 6:50 AM  
Blogger Sechakecha said...

So sorry that you're going through this. *hugs to you and to the girl* I have no experience with any of this, so I can't even begin to say anything. All I can say is I hope you all get through this quickly.

16/8/07 7:50 AM  
Blogger madamspud169 said...

What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. Easy for me to say but you can & will get through this & will be better prepared & more experienced if it ever happens again.

You & your daughter can & will get through this.

16/8/07 8:24 AM  
Anonymous LP said...

I just found your blog - the weight series you've been doing is fascinating, and has really helped me see certain things about my own life more clearly. The fact that you are now going through something so terrible is profoundly unfair.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

16/8/07 8:49 AM  
Anonymous Major Bedhead said...

Sending good thoughts your way, Margalit. I hope the meds kick in soon....

16/8/07 9:54 PM  
Blogger Poppy Buxom said...

Just one question--is he still reading your blog every day? I would be very uncomfortable leaving a post like this up if he is.

17/8/07 10:47 AM  

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