Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Voices out of nowhere

This has been an absolutely craptastic week healthwise in Casa Edema. I'm flooded to the point where my breathing is severely compromised. There's a fun-filled hospital stay in my immediate future, I'm a'feared. I have always wanted to use that expression, btw.

To compound the fun, this has been the culmination of a really difficult couple of weeks for the Boy. Something is going on in that kid, and I don't know what it is, but it's not good. Very very not good. I'm so worried about him that I can barely think about anything else. He's been terrible at home; oppositional, defiant, argumentative, nasty, and filled with anger. He's been very difficult to be around and he's obviously miserable. He's been taking out all his anger on me and his sister, and I'm not very open to the types of abuse he's been heaping on us. Yes, much of it is teenage angst, but he's so far beyond that now that it is apparent something is really not right. These are just some of his latest behaviors:

Breaking things
Throwing things
Talking to himself (and not just muttering, whole long dialogs)
Screaming if addressed
Obscenities of all kinds
Baiting the Girl
Kicking, poking, hitting, getting into personal space
Arguing over everything
Punching walls
Refusing to do anything, even chores
Writing on walls with Girl's eyeliner
Not taking medication properly
Failing summer school class

It's been such a FUN time!

The other day I sat him down in a chair next to me, and I had a whispered conversation with him about his behavior. I acknowledged that he was angry and asked why. He could not tell me, but he agreed that he was angry. I told him clearly that this behavior had a direct influence on my physical health, and that it if continued, my health would deteriorate (which it has) rapidly. I told him clearly that if I were to die due to his behavior that he would carry it around for the rest of his life, and that nobody would take him, he would end up in state custody (all true) at a residential placement. His future would be ruined, his sister's future would be ruined, and he would carry around a lifetime supply of guilt. I told him that if his behavior didn't change immediately, that I was going to seek alternate living arrangements for him because I can't take the stress. This was all said in a whisper so he had to listen carefully to hear what I said.

After I was done, he went upstairs and came down like a different kid. For a full 24 hours he was nicer.

Now he's back to Mr Horrible.

Today he had friends over while I was not home. NOT ALLOWED. When I confronted him, not only did he not apologize, but he started to argue. Unacceptable. His friends were getting so annoyed with him that I overheard them several times telling him to shut up, to stop being a jerk, to behave. He is THAT annoying that other teenagers are annoyed by him. And then... I just don't even know how to process what he did next.

He left them in the middle of a sentence in our kitchen, and went to take a nap. They were talking and he said "goodbye" and went to lay down and go to sleep. My mouth was hanging open. They were like "what the F?" and then they got their stuff together and left. That was 3 hours ago and he's still sleeping on the floor of the living room.

If he alienates his friends, and he barely has me for a backup because he's been so horrible, just who is he going to count on to listen to him when he crashes? His therapist is getting married and will be gone for 3 weeks. She's going to be of no help. I'm so tightly wound because of how he's been treating me I just can't feel all warm and fuzzy towards him right now. I'm angry. I'm tired. I've had it.

He has a Pdoc appointment on Tuesday and I'm going to seek hospitalization. Something is so not right and I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. This is too hard, and it has such a bad effect on my own health. I can't keep doing it. He needs more help that I can offer him. I don't understand what is going on, I don't know why he's so angry, but I do know that it's too much for me to bear. Being bipolar is a life sentence from hell. I so feel for him, but I don't know how to make it better, or even livable. I feel like a failure.

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Blogger Belinda said...

didn't Cause it
can't Control it
can't Cure it

Sorry. We just had a bad spell ourselves--these things do seem to be universal as far as timing, don't they? Hoping yours ebbs as our latest has. Yuck.

10/8/07 9:13 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

You are not a failure. You did not bestow BP on the kid. I know, I have a BP kid. He sounds fairly manic and maybe with auditory hallucinations. You are right on with your feelings. Something isn't right. I sent you an email with my cell #. I'm available 24/7 if you need a friend. I know you are down and feeling terrible physically, just keep it together one minute at a time. Take deep breaths. Hang in there. You can do it. I believe in you.

10/8/07 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry this is happening. Must be very hard for all of you. I hope he is able to get the help he needs and feel better soon. It's hard enough being an adult and having problems. It's got to be that much harder for a young person.

11/8/07 1:18 AM  
Blogger madamspud169 said...

Are there no groups near you that help with bipolar issues it may help if you could join one then at least you know the people you can talk to will have been through it themselves. Or maybe an online group where you could get hints & tips on dealing with the issues bipolar brings & have somewhere to vent.
I think just being able to vent about things may help to give you the strength to carry on.
It may be worth a try.

11/8/07 7:21 AM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...

Good grief, Margalit, I'm sorry to hear you're going thru all this shit. I don't have any sage advice for you, unfortunately, but I hope things improve somehow.

11/8/07 11:32 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh Geesh, I'm sorry for all you are going through right now. The first commenter was right---you aren't the cause and you probably can't 'fix' things per se, but maybe you can find a group or doctor who will know how to help him out. My kids are still way too young for me to have much intelligent to say on this matter, but I wanted to say that I hope things get better for you soon.

12/8/07 6:54 AM  
Blogger Mom2Many said...

I feel for you. My son is also BP, and it is a bitch. He is only 11 and dealing with some paranoia and hallucinations right now. I am dreading the teen years...

12/8/07 10:21 AM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

I am so sorry this is happening. While I am relieved that your son has an appointment, I am just as worried about you. Please take care.

12/8/07 12:59 PM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

I hope that by the time I have posted this that you are feeling better--both of you!

12/8/07 1:01 PM  

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