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Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Weight Loss: The Clothing Question

Anyone who has been reading here for any length of time knows I'm not ever going to refer to myself as a MILF or a Hot Wife type. The truth is, I'm a shlumpy Jewish woman who gets dressed in the first thing I can grab from the drawer. In the summer I wear shorts and t-shirts. In the winter I wear cords and long sleeved t-shirts. I don't have a ton of pairs of shoes, I don't have enough clothing to fill a big walk-in closet, and about half of my wardrobe is at least 5-10 years old. When one weighs basically the same amount for a long time, what is the point of buying new clothing?

I've never really been that interested in my looks. I'm not in the least bit vain, and anything that takes too much time, like makeup and undergarments, just doesn't interest me. The last professional haircut I got was when I first moved back to MA and my friend Amy took me as a treat her her salon. That was in 2002. Since then, when my hair gets too long, I have the girl trim it. I wear it in a pony tail almost all the time anyhow, so why bother with short styles that make me look dykishly butch.

But the truth is, I like clothes and shoes. I honestly do. But to me, they've always seemed like a waste of money since I'll never look great in clothing and nice shoes at my top weight. I think I could look better, but it doesn't seem to be worth the effort or the money. So I don't buy myself anything. I wear the same clothing I have had for so many years it's not even funny.

However, I've lost just enough weight already to have gone down a size or two, and much of my clothing swims on me. I roll up all my shorts and pants because the waists are so large and everything just hangs too low. I swear it, I look like a bag lady sometimes because my clothes are so ill fitting it's not funny. Plus, I'm constantly pulling up my pants and pulling the rear out of my butt because my pants are so big that they now try to hide in wedgie territory.

I still look like crap in clothings. When I go shopping, I spend a lot of time trying on things that do not fit. I have a funny body shape. I'm very shortwaisted, I have absolutely NO butt whatsoever (yes, I'm uncanny!) and I have a squishy tummy. Plus, carrying twins as I did, with one transverse right under my boobs for many months, my abdominal muscles are really stretched out in a strange way. I can't really describe it, but take it from me, it's not normal.

With such an odd body, clothing often doesn't fit well. I always try to find separates since my bottom half is sometimes a different size than the top. Since I've lost weight, my boobs have shrunk. Did they need to shrink? Well, probably they did. But what was once a D is now a C, and that's pretty small boobage for someone my size. Never mind that they're headed right for my knees and appear empty of anything except maybe a few lumps and bumps!

I don't look great in clothing of any kind. I look lumpy and dumpy. Maybe it's just me looking at my reflection and seeing something other than what is actually there. Maybe it's years of being told by my parents that I was fat and worthless and stupid. Maybe it's the combination of the two. Whatever, as I lose this weight, I find myself loathe to go buy new clothing. It is a feeling like I don't deserve to have nice things when I still look like crap. I don't feel that I deserve to spend my very limited money on me, when I can spend it on my kids who look great in clothing.

Today is a perfect example. It's the dreaded Back To School I've Outgrown Half My Clothes time of year. I know I have to get them new stuff. They need it, so I bite the bullet and take the Girl to Savers, a fairly good thrift store near us. They're great for jeans, hoodies, and t-shirts, which is exactly what we needed to get. I found a ton of stuff for both kids. We walked out of the store with 9 pairs of jeans, 9 hoodies, and 9 t-shirts, as well as a pair of shorts. The Girl suggested a couple of times that I look to see if I can find something for myself. I didn't even bother. It was hot, I didn't want to try stuff on, and honestly, I just can't make myself spend any money on me when I look like an inflated balloon version of myself.

So here I am, much thinner than I was, healthier than I was, doing better overall than I was, and I just can't seem to reward myself at all. I still hear all the voices telling me that I don't deserve new clothing because I'm still too fat. When I look in the mirror I see exactly who I was at the highest pinnacle of my weight. To me, I don't see one pound missing. I still punish myself externally for what is going on internally.

I'll still lose weight. It's inevitable that this steady loss will continue. But I wonder if I will ever be able to see what I really look like in the mirror. Will I ever be able to go into JJill and make a purchase in my correct size and feel good wearing the garment? Only time will tell.

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5 Comments:

Blogger desertbitch said...

This is my greatest peice of advice. Go get fitted for a bra. Go to lane Bryant, they have a very fancy looking "foundations" department. Ask the lady to measure and then help you find exactly what you need/like. Your clothes will fit so much better. They often have sales. I am a fantastic personal shopper, if only I was visitng my sister in MA, I could shop for you. :)
Congrats on your weight loss.

17/8/07 12:38 AM  
Blogger madamspud169 said...

Buy yourself 1 top 1 trousers & 1 shorts in your new size at a thrift store so you haven't spent a great deal. You'll be able to move faster & feel more comfortable then when they become big you'll have proof to show yourself that you have indeed lost weight.
It sounds strange but that bit of new clothing is a great way to see just where & when you've gone down in size - it's not so easy to tell in clothes that are already too big for you.

17/8/07 5:21 AM  
Blogger sarah cool said...

Isn't funny how messed up we are as women because of body weight and self image, etc. I hate it.

Even though YOU say you're still schlumpy, this has been really great to read. Thanks for sharing. I like hearing about people losing weight, it gives me hope. :) :) :)

17/8/07 6:36 AM  
Blogger The Hotfessional said...

Mir - go get something. Something new. In your new size. It will do wonders for the way you think and feel. Honestly - and even more importantly, it will keep you on track.

The reason I'm back on my own fitness train after being lazy for 3 months? The clothes I bought after losing 30 lbs started getting tight. And I remember how great it felt to be able to wear them. Now, imagine if I wouldn't have bought them. I'd have never known.....

17/8/07 11:48 AM  
Blogger margalit said...

Hot Professional

I am SOOOOO not Mir!

17/8/07 1:33 PM  

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