Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Depression spreads it's ugly wings

Wednesday was not one of the best days on record. It started with a terrifically sad funeral, a bench warming with my BFF as she talked about her dying husband's upcoming funeral, family therapy that went terribly awry, and the Girl talking to me about some very serious stuff that has to be dealt with asap.

My worries about the Girl were not unfounded. She is having a lot of issues, most of which I can't discuss, and she needs immediate action. Her schoolwork is being affected, she's not eating, she's terribly unhappy which translates into her being a walking advertisement for PMS 24/7, and she's miserable. Her friends are all having big problems, BIG problems, and she's far to empathetic and takes on their issues. It is affecting her to the point where she feels she's not functioning.

Teenagers. A bundle of emotions that misfire all day long. It is terribly difficult to parent them. Even the ones that talk to their parents and their therapists and tell us that they're hurting beyond normality. They are filled with such angst, such fury. I try to think back to those times for myself, and they are clouded by the presence of drugs, so I honestly can't remember feeling this bad. But I know I did. It's clearly documented in my psychological profile.

Depression runs deep in our family. I can't think of a single person in my biological family who was not visited by the depression fairy on a regular basis. When I decided to have kids, I knew the odds of bipolar disorder and clinical depression were off the charts high. I knew the possibility of bringing more depressed people into this already depressed world. But knowing and experiencing on a daily basis are two very different things.

My kids hurt and I'm powerless to do anything beyond what is already available for them. Medication? The Girl refuses to take any of it. She's got a serious thing about pills and no matter what I say, what her therapists say, we can't seem to get beyond her will. Hospitalization? We're going to look into it. But the chances are slim because she honestly isn't a danger to herself or others, although she's close on several points. That's pretty much it.

Unlike her brother, who presents classic symptoms for bipolar disorder, the Girl keeps it together better and doesn't get in other people's space, so she's regarded as OK. But she's not OK right now, and I'm terribly worried. I'm worried about her, obviously, but I'm also worried about the Boy. For all his bitching about her, mostly justified, he adores her and when she's not around he declines fairly rapidly. He worries terribly about her. He worries about me, but he worries more about her. He doesn't express it well, but he does, and it scares me.

So we're in a holding pattern until I can find something for the Girl. She needs to be out of the house for a week or so. Now. She needs to be out of school and to decompress before she explodes. She's talking to me now, but she may not tomorrow, and she absolutely needs to be in a safe place immediately.

Meanwhile, I am so exhausted mentally I'm barely functioning.

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Anonymous bethany actually said...

Reading stuff like this makes me remember some of my teenage drama. Man, I am glad to not be a teenager anymore!

I am praying for you, the Girl, and the Boy. And for your friend's family, too.

18/10/07 3:17 AM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

Holy moly Margalit, it doesn't it pours. Last thing you need with your health. I'm sorry for the funeral and your BFF's upcoming loss.

I think about you frequently and pray for you and your family.


18/10/07 2:09 PM  

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