Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Cry me a river

I honestly don't know where to start. There is just so much going on and of course, some of it I can't share, and other stuff that's too painful to write about right now. I'm too close to it. I need time to step back from the chaos and reflect on what's real, what's myth, and what is about to be.

Yesterday I just broke down. I don't break down as a rule. In fact, it's so rare that I completely lose control that when it happens, people just don't know how to react. I'm not, by nature, a cryer. Oh, I sob at a good movie just like so many do, but to cry about my own pain, my own tsuris just isn't the norm. So when I break down, I know it's all just too much to bear. I cried and cried. I was crying for the pain my son feels. I cried for me and my agony. I cried because I can't control what is happening anymore. I cried because I'm tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and just plain out of energy. I cried because I don't want this to be happening to me or to my little family. I cried because it's all so unfair. I cried because we've suffered enough, we have no more left to bear all this pain. I cried because my faith is so badly shaken. What kind of just God would let some families have so much pain while other families soar through life unscathed? I cried until there was no more left to cry with.

My eyes stung, my head ached, my nose was red and blotchy. I was still crying when the Boy came home from his program. When he found me curled up on my bed in tears, unable to even speak, he FINALLY got that what's happening is serious. Until that moment, it just didn't sink in. I told him that the 'experts' wanted to put him in residential and he cried too. We cried together. At first he started blaming the program but I called him on it and told him that only he could make a difference now. Everyone else had formed plans based on his behavior. The only way he could evoke change is to make changes in his behavior. He had to clean up his room. He had to take a shower. He had to do his chores. He had to do so without telling me that I'm mean and that he hates me. He had to stop swearing. No cigarettes. No more crazy antics. No more misbehaving. There was nobody else that could make these changes. I couldn't protect him any more. He had to do it all himself, and he had to do it now. If he could manage to show me and the therapists that he could actually respond appropriately, then things might change. But if he couldn't, than only he was responsible at this point.

For once he heard me. He never hears me. He just argues. But he went into his room and bagged up 4 bags of laundry and a couple of bags of trash. There is a floor. Or at least a partial one. Of course the laundry is still sitting in the upstairs hall, but at least he's making SOME attempt, which he's never done before. He even took a shower totally on his own and brushed his teeth this morning. He's trying. I think he gets how serious this all is, and he wants to do better. I don't expect this good will to last long, in fact it he makes it through today I think it's will be miraculous. We've already argued about him doing the dishes that he left overnight. He washes one, then needs a 'rest'. Oh my God, it is so frustrating.

I don't expect that things will change. He's on the waiting list for the 45 day interim placement, and when it comes up, he's going. He needs the structure desperately. He needs a reminder about what will happen to him if he doesn't not get his act together right now.

But in his defense, the 'experts' have finally labeled him drug resistant. How long did that take? Oh, since last August when I first started complaining that his meds weren't working. Or even before, in May, when he was hospitalized and I begged for a drug change.

I've made my feelings crystal clear to the DMH that he's ONLY going to one of two hospitals, and ONLY to this particular program. Nothing else will suffice. Most of what there is out there is simple warehousing of kids. This state isn't much different from your state. There is no money for mental health care, especially for children. Thank you Mitt Romney for cutting mental health care for kids to the bone and beyond. A vote for him is a vote to end any social services as we know them today. And we know them as barely functioning and unsatisfactory at best. He'll only make it worse. Ask anyone in MA who is dealing with state agencies what affect he had on the children of this Commonwealth. Then sit back and prepare to hear what he has done to destroy social services whilst running for President. While he's bragging about how he cut government spending to the bone, those of us living with his cuts are desperate for help that we can't get. ONE frigging 45 day program in the entire state. ONE. For every kid between 13 and 18 in the state. ONE. Thank you, asshole Romney.

We're in a holding pattern. The Boy was sick last night and threw up at 3:10 am. How do I know? Because he woke me up to announce it. Several times. Some things never change. He's home today laying on the sofa and complaining about how hard his life is because he has to do chores. Damn straight he has chores to do. The ones he hasn't done in the past month or two.

Crying helped. But I still feel so incredibly sad. I hate that Mental Illness is treated like a crime in this country. I hate that people with mental illness are shunted aside due to cost cuts. I hate that there is so little opportunity for treatment as the kids grow older, and that once they are 18, health care is basically taken away. I hate that I feel so victimized when I try to fight the system.

But most of all, I hate that I have to do all this alone. It's too damn hard.

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Blogger Sechakecha said...

*big big hugs*

28/11/07 2:25 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

And from me (((hug))). I wish there was something a lot more concrete that I could do...

28/11/07 2:54 PM  
Anonymous Rhea said...

Your crying made an impression on your son, so maybe not holding that in anymore was the best thing that could have happened.

28/11/07 3:30 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

I know the sadness you feel. My son is nowhere near yours in behavior but everytime his big mouth loses him a "friend", I feel the sadness. The malice his brother holds for him because it affects negativity on his social status. Not so major as your son but sad for the boy I thought he was and the man I had hoped he be. LOVE YOU!

29/11/07 12:09 AM  
Blogger madamspud169 said...

I think all governments have cut mental health services down to such a low level that they are at best incompetent.
As "crazy" people generally don't vote they are an easy target, after all they're "crazy" so no-one would listen to them anyway.

It's not right or fair but it's happening all round the world.
Like a pack of wild dogs they pick on the weakest / those less able to fight back.

You are doing an amazing job just raising your kids. When they are older the Boy & Girl will hopefully understand what you have done for them and have better lives. It will ALL be down to YOU.

29/11/07 8:10 AM  

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