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Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, November 02, 2007

I see London, I see France....

Let me tell you a little story. I've been losing weight for a long time now, and one of the things that happens when you lose large amounts of weight is that you have to buy new underwear. Your previous underwear is not only way too big, but it's old, ratty, and disgusting. Ahem. Hello Girls!

So it was time to buy new underwear a while back and I was all excited because I bought underwear that was 2 sizes smaller than I had previously worn.

I was an idiot. I had high expectations. But alas, I was disappointed. The underwear that I bought was a tad bit too small. Not impossibly to get over my thunder thighs small, more like just not hitting the right places on my hiney and stomach. You know what I mean?

But because I bought them, and they are new and very clean and pretty (yeah menopause!) I keep trying to wear them. OK, the truth is, I wear them when nobody has done any laundry in a while and I'm out of underwear that fits. So sue me.

Last Sunday, the day we went car shopping, I had on a pair of very adorable little boy shorts that are just too frigging small. They're cute as can be, but they're made of cotton and spandex and they have a tendency to roll. I'm also wearing my very nice perfectly fitting designer corderoys with that snap problem. The snap comes undone every time I move. It's nothing disasterous or anything, just a total pain in the butt.

We're driving in the car on the way to the dealer, and my pants unsnap and my underwear starts the precipitous roll down my tummy. Not a great sign. We arrive, I get out of the car and my underwear gives me another little roll on the downward slope. There is no way to pull it up, and of course my damn pants are unsnapped...again. I snap up and walk towards the dealership, where they ask us to sit down for a second. I sit, and the underpants slide further down. Now it's getting annoying. My pants again unsnap, I snap them up, and we go out to look at the cars with the salesperson, who isn't the brightest bulb on the tree. He keeps walking fast, I'm trying to catch up, panting like a rabid dog, and my underwear are literally on a roll.

At one point we stop to look at a car and my underwear does the final roll down. It is now in a tight roll around my thighs. My butt is uncovered. My girly bits are left out in the cold. My undies are in a huge roll under my ass, a roll that you can clearly see through my pants. Oh Lord of Mercy@Heaven.org, what the hell is happening to me? My pants keep unsnapping, my underwear is heading towards my ankles, and I'm on a car lot in the rain. Could this get any worse?

Salesguy runs back to the office to get some paperwork, and I duck down, reach way down into my cords, and start unrolling said adorable boy shorts. I'm shuffling this part and that part and struggling to keep hidden behind a couple of minivans. Finally I get the underpants all pulled up, my pants snapped...again, and I'm all set.

From that moment on, the underpants stayed put. I think they were embarrassed they had caused such trouble.

Why am I telling you this? Guess what I have on this morning? The orange version of said underwear. It does not fit well. It is uncomfortable. It will be falling down any minute now. Of course, I have a meeting I have to go to, and errands to run.

Who says my life isn't colorful?

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7 Comments:

Blogger Trish K said...

Yeah, when my boy shorts roll (yes I bought some too) I say to myself, gee I must be losing weight because they are just sliding off me.... :(

not quite in my case

2/11/07 11:00 AM  
Anonymous FeeFiFoto said...

Years ago, when I actually got married (to the World's Worst Person, so don't ask) I was doing the father/daughter dance thing with my dad, who's quite the enthusiastic foxtrotter. He had his arm firmly around my waist and was expertly guiding me across the floor, when he managed to undo the hook holding up my slip. I felt something shifting under there but thought I was just imagining it, but I kept feeling something gathering at my hips, then my thighs; I looked down and saw a ruffle peeking out from under the hem of my dress. I told him to stop dancing and why, and he stopped moving across the floor and began swaying back and forth, as he made "cut" gestures to the band. Meanwhile, he and I kept looking down as more of my slip oozed out from under my skirt; the video guy thought there must be something interesting on the floor so he zoomed out and you could see my slip frothing out around my shoes. Finally the band got the message and stopped playing, I gathered up my skirt and headed for the bathroom and the comfort of a few safety pins.

2/11/07 2:55 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

Oh, the car dealership woes. Bad pants, bad underwear, and bad salespeople. Or maybe not. Oh, well, at least you weren't wearing a thong.

2/11/07 4:46 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

ROTFLOL. I like my cotton jockey hi cut leg undies jes fine. They stay in place.

2/11/07 7:33 PM  
Anonymous melisa (NaBloPoMo) said...

That's too funny. I have a particular pair of jeans that no matter what underwear I'm wearing likes to slide the underwear down. So awkward and uncomfortable yet I continue to wear the jeans. I'm a glutton for punishment.

3/11/07 12:11 AM  
Blogger Reflekshins said...

HOO MAN THAT WAS FUNNY

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AN I LOVE LUCY EPISODE

3/11/07 1:29 AM  
Blogger Lynn said...

Thanks for the laugh!
Life is too short to wear underwear that doesn't fit (or stay!)right!

3/11/07 9:57 AM  

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