Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Mania is crushing my soul

I found myself sitting in the dark on the toilet downstairs. It was the only place where I could go to get away from him. He follows me everywhere, talking, yelling, insulting, complaining. The verbal diarrhea never stops. The moaning, the noises... it's frightening and depressing and just too much for my brain to handle. I find myself retreating ever inward, hoping against hope that it will stop. It doesn't stop. It's been going on since August and I'm just over it. I watch my son, my baby, my love deteriorate before my eyes. Piece by piece falls off of him, leaving a core of crazy that I don't recognize and I don't like. He keeps saying "You don't love me" and sometimes it's true. I don't love the behavior. I don't love the mania, I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. It has stolen my child and put this loony in his place.

We have many experts that work with our family. They are therapists and doctors and psycho pharmacologists. They are all stumped. Everyone is on the same page with regards to the behavior. It's intolerable, it's impossible, it can't be helped because it's organic. We all know this. We even accept it, regardless of how much it hurts. The problem is, the behavior must be tamed and we can't find a way to do this. We try to adjust medications, but we don't go far enough. We try to adjust the behavior but the Boy isn't able to make the necessary changes. He's too far gone. He doesn't recognize himself without the mania. He doesn't accept that he's driving everyone around him mad with anger.

Today the program that he's in called, admitting defeat. They see the same things I do, it's not working for them. I knew it wasn't going to work, but the way it works when you have an adolescent with mental illness is to work the steps, until you finally get some help. The steps are in school, then day program, then residential program. We're headed for the residential program but he is so off kilter that he doesn't even understand that this is what's next in the lineup. I tell him because he must be informed, but it doesn't seem to sink in.

My heart is broken. My special child is broken. I don't believe anymore that he can be fixed. I once did, but this episode, this months long episode of mania has killed my hope. My spirit is dragging on the floor. The sadness and despair that I feel right now is incapacitating. Mental illness is contagious. The more the crazy, the sadder the family surrounding the crazy.

The Girl is handling it well, although I see her spirit beginning to flag. It is so hard. She went back to school today, on a reduced schedule. She's glad to be back, overwhelmed with what being back represents. She's going to be OK. She's going to grow up and be fine. I believe in her ability to bounce back. But she needs a life that isn't overshadowed by her brother's illness. She deserves more than she's getting. I worry for her that this re-occurring cycle of anger will continue to thrust forward with each new mania of his.

We all need more. More support, more luck, more money, more health, more sanity. If you are a praying sort of person, please pray for us all. Our family could use all the prayers you can muster.

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Blogger Robin said...

I'm sorry Margalit. I wish there was something I could do.

I'll be holding all three of you close in my heart. At least I can do that.

27/11/07 1:51 AM  
Blogger MizMouthy said...

Just want to say...I am forever thinking of you. And just that I am so sorry and I know...
Also praying for some peace for you and your kiddos.

Take care.

27/11/07 9:39 AM  
Anonymous Rhea said...

I know some folks who have been through this. I will be thinking of you.

27/11/07 9:52 AM  
Blogger Sechakecha said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this, margalit. I wish there was more I could do, but all I can really do is offer you hugs. I hope things get better for you, I really do. =(

27/11/07 10:14 AM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

I'm so damn sorry about your son. I know what it's like to see that special spark inside your child and know that all anybody else sees is their behavior. We don't have mental illness to contend with, however, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you in that respect. I wish I had a magic wand. I really, really do.

27/11/07 3:06 PM  
Blogger The Hotfessional said...


Of course you have my prayers.

27/11/07 4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you are able to get the material support that you need, you certainly have the emotional support of many.

27/11/07 9:03 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

{{{hugs}}} My thoughts are with you. I wish I could do something -- but all I can do is listen. I hope that's something.

27/11/07 9:24 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

My friend, I cannot know exactly how you feel but I remember my brother doing the same to my mom. It was horrible for her, heart wrenching for me. My bro would be evil when manic making up stories and telling lies, anything to destroy my mother.

Any comfort? He's not like that w/o meds and lives a somewhat normal life.

28/11/07 12:10 AM  
Anonymous bethany actually said...

I cannot even imagine the heartbreak. I am so sorry, Margalit. I am praying for you all, hoping something changes and he gets better.

28/11/07 1:18 AM  
Blogger daysgoby said...

I'm so sorry, M. Is there any spark of hope for the residential program?

Your family is in our prayers tonight.

28/11/07 7:34 AM  
Anonymous Lisse said...

If blogger doesn't accept my comments, I will email them to you.
I check in every once in a while to see how you are doing and I'm so sad to read this.

I'm just one more person pulling for you and your kids. I do hope things get better soon.

28/11/07 10:20 AM  

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