Let's talk holiday weight gain, shall we?
Of course this means that not only can I not touch anything that remotely resembles something good, I have to be good. Good, I tell you. How unfair is that? In the spirit of goodness, I've not put a single piece of peppermint bark between my fatty fat lips. Actually, I have tiny lips and could probably use a collagen injection if I gave a rat's ass about how small my lips are. I don't, so never mind. But the bark, the bark. It sits all alone on my countertop screaming 'eat me' and I can only give it the cold shoulder. This is just wrong.
Being good also means no Chinese food tomorrow night. I know, it's sacreligious not to eat Chinese food on Christmas. But I can't deal with the salt content when I'm trying to drop down to my last lowest weight, which, btw, is only 3 lbs from my second pre-pregnancy weight (after I lost the 35 lbs in order to GET pregnant in the first place). I'm so close and I swore I would hit that weight by the new year, so moo goo gai pan, you are no longer a part of my plans. The kids are OK with that only because I'm making a BBQ brisket instead. We like the brisket a lot. I'm compensating. We like Chinese food more.
Weight loss is hard to deal with in the best of times, so when there are a million things sitting on tables calling your name, it's almost impossible to be a paragon of restraint. Most of us tend to just say "fuck it" and eat to excess. I've done it for years. I didn't get to buy my clothes in the Plus Size stores on my self control. Really. But this year is different. I'm looking at weight loss as a health thing instead of an appearance thing. I know, it's just too freaking angelic to deal with. I can't stand myself either. But I'm doing that Cardiac Rehab program and I feel like I need to at least make an attempt to do the exercise and weight loss part of it. The stress stuff I need, for sure. But I also need to build up my heart and one of the ways to do that is to make my body smaller.
Having a chronic illness is hard enough, but when your body is overworked due to weight, then you're just plain unfair to yourself. I'm trying to look at this as a new life style, being healthier and just getting smaller by default. So far, I'm down around 70 lbs, which is exciting and I can't say I'm not proud of myself but... but... but... so much more to go. It's as if I'm so overwhelmed with the big number, the real goal, the goal where health will change and I'll be able to do so much more. I'm scared of that number. I'm afraid that I won't get there. I mean, eventually I'll get down to a weight that will make me feel alive again. But can I get to that weight where I look like a real skinny minny? And will I want to be at that point?
The thing about being heavy is, it's a wonderful way to keep people away from you. The weight keeps you from getting too close to people. It's easy to be fat because you're always wrapped in that cocoon where people are too scared to tred. It's a wall. It's a barrier. The more it goes away, the more you become acceptable to society and the more people will want to penetrate my life. That scares the crap out of me. I am used to being solitary. I like my plain quiet life. I'm afraid of changing it.
Every pound I lose makes me wonder if it's really important. People lose weight for a variety of reasons. For me, it's totally about health. I don't give a shit about my appearance. I'm happy with who I am and what I'm all about. I'm one of those creepy comfortable fat people that doesn't cry about my weight. I honestly don't. I'm OK with me. I'm not fat phobic, I'm not so concentrated on my appearance that I won't put on shorts or wear a bathing suit. If I'm hot, I'll wear shorts. To me, it's not much of a conundrum. I know it is for so many other women, but I'm not of that ilk at all.
I wear smaller sizes now, and my taste hasn't changed on iota. I will always be a t-shirt and jeans person. I can't see myself changing once I get down to single numbered sizes. As if. I've never been smaller than a 12. Even when I was bone thin. Which I once was, many moons ago.
Anyhow, the point of this ramble is to wish you all a Happy Christmas and hope that you keep the weight gain down to a bare minimum while still enjoying yourself. Eat, really. Just don't overdo it! Stumble It! JBlog Me