Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Sunday, August 31, 2008

BitchFest Post

For those of you not following this weekend's Bitchfest, volunteers are hosting other posters who want to blog but who need to do so anonymously.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Of course no one can make the decision. It's one I have to make in my own time, in my own way. It's just that my way means taking suggestions. So help me out.

My husband and I met when I was still in high school. We dated for three years before we were married. We've had a decade together. Until about nine months ago, I loved him more than life itself. There's never been enough sex, and there are typical couple problems, but we were an epic couple, really.

Then, for the second time since we married, he quit a job without having another job. He fell into a deep depression and did little to nothing to try and find a new job. He took a really demeaning job as the resolution to a deadline I gave him. Then he found a better job. He's lost, though. He doesn't seem to "get it" when it comes to bills and money and work. Our credit is ruined. I live in fear that I will get calls at work, or that we will be sued. We barely make enough to cover our essentials. I thought that this was a temporary setback, that he had found a place where he could hold a steady job, even if it took a little while to get a decent paying permanent position. His job would have ended in November, and he was talking about sitting at the house and collecting unemployment all winter. Then he lost his job. He's kind of looking for a new one. There still isn't enough sex, and he really doesn't seem to understand the depth and the breadth of the situation, or he isn't able to deal with it.

I still love him. I don't want to hurt him. I'm very angry. I'm scared. I can't live the rest of my life this way, and he doesn't seem to understand that. I'm resentful. I work full time and go to school and I have a great job and I make good money and I bust my ass, only to get further and further behind. He feels guilty. He feels bad that I'm so stressed and hurt. It's just enough to keep me from breaking his heart. Right now. I try to feel that love, the way I used to, and I may get a short glimpse at it once and awhile, but it just makes me sad. Not hopeful, like it should.

My friends are divided. The ones who know him well say that they'll support me no matter what I do, but that if we could survive this, we would be better than ever. They're not sure whether he gets it either. No one seems to know what an appropriate amount of time is to give him to see if this is something he'll overcome. If he doesn't get a new job soon, we won't be able to keep our mortgage current. If that isn't a line in the sand, I don't know what is.

I worry about throwing something really special away like yesterday's trash. I worry that I'll regret not leaving, and that in another five years, I'll be that much older. If I can do that. If he can keep a job? I don't know. I just don't know.

My good job means that I make enough money to live on my own. I could probably keep my house, but I don't know if I would do that. Too many bad memories, too far from work and too isolated from people. I wonder if I could get a deal on a bankruptcy and a divorce? Just kidding. I think.

I'm not yet thirty. He's four years older. I'm coming into a lot of confidence, and a lot of success, along with a lot of hard work and a ton of fun. I want an equal partner to share it with. I question my husband's ability to be that partner. My frustration and anger and fear mean that I see him through a veil of resentment. I've asked myself how I would feel if he were suddenly happy in his career and making decent money. I don't have the answer to that question, but I wonder how much of that is resentment and disgust as opposed to the actual absence of love and tenderness.

What would you do if you were me?

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Blogger I am Barking Mad said...

I feel for you.

You don't mention if your husband has ever sought counseling. You mention he's been in a deep depression before, but has he ever been placed on medication for it? Or even sought holistic help? Something is better than nothing.

In my gut, I think you've already weighed the pros and cons. I could be wrong. I know you love this man. You have a history with him. There is a lot there. There is also fear that if you stand on your own, to preserve your own strength and sanity that in doing so, he may do something stupid? But can you sacrifice yourself in order to save something that perhaps might not, at this moment in time, be the healthiest thing for you?

There is no law that says when he has healed whatever has been damaged or is off balance inside of himself, that you two can't try this again. Just the same, there is nothing that says you can't stand by him whilst he recovers his own strength and desire to be happy and productive. Can you make changes in your external circumstances to negate the ill effects that his unemployment has brought to fruition, until he is beyond this rough patch, without sacrificing your career and your personal happiness? Did that make any sense?

There is a lot in this life we can recover from, financial devastation is one of them. However, regret is a hard one to recover from. It leaves one with too many unanswered questions of things left unrealized.

I wish I had a concrete answer for you. And I genuinely hope for the best for you, however things turn out.

Auds at Barking Mad

31/8/08 10:55 PM  
Blogger Autumn said...

Hi. I'm sorry for your situation. Its not fun to be unhappy.

Your gut can tell you a lot. You can't make a decision. Couldn't that mean that you should do what it takes to stay with him?

Plenty of negative factors in your marriage. But people go through hard times. And people pull out of them.

I'm a hard core believer in keeping marital commitments. When you got married did you anticipate leaving your husband when times were hard, or sticking it out regardless, because he was super special?

When you get married there's no guarantee that life will be peachy. Life will NOT be peachy all the time, which is why you have a spouse. To help you and buoy you up.

Some situations are acceptable for divorce, others aren't. You married this man for a reason. Stay by his side. Rekindle your relationship. Realize that you will have to be the strong one for a while.

I think counseling should REALLY be considered if it hasn't been already. Even if your husband doesn't agree to go (at first), you can go on your own to help you get through things. Forget the cost. Make financial sacrifices. Go get counseling! And keep your marriage commitment!

1/9/08 12:55 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

The worst thing you can do is nothing. My advice: seek counseling. Talk to your doctor and his, if you can. Knowing if his problems are medical and if he can heal may make a difference in your decision. Knowing whether he's willing to seek help will make an impact, too.

1/9/08 3:20 PM  
Blogger CageQueen said...

How weird! I was emailed the EXACT same rant and hosted it on my blog. There must've been a glitch. Small world! ;)

1/9/08 11:02 PM  
OpenID chloefieri said...

No kids? gogogogogogogogogo!

3/9/08 11:35 AM  

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