Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Of course no one can make the decision. It's one I have to make in my own time, in my own way. It's just that my way means taking suggestions. So help me out.
My husband and I met when I was still in high school. We dated for three years before we were married. We've had a decade together. Until about nine months ago, I loved him more than life itself. There's never been enough sex, and there are typical couple problems, but we were an epic couple, really.
Then, for the second time since we married, he quit a job without having another job. He fell into a deep depression and did little to nothing to try and find a new job. He took a really demeaning job as the resolution to a deadline I gave him. Then he found a better job. He's lost, though. He doesn't seem to "get it" when it comes to bills and money and work. Our credit is ruined. I live in fear that I will get calls at work, or that we will be sued. We barely make enough to cover our essentials. I thought that this was a temporary setback, that he had found a place where he could hold a steady job, even if it took a little while to get a decent paying permanent position. His job would have ended in November, and he was talking about sitting at the house and collecting unemployment all winter. Then he lost his job. He's kind of looking for a new one. There still isn't enough sex, and he really doesn't seem to understand the depth and the breadth of the situation, or he isn't able to deal with it.
I still love him. I don't want to hurt him. I'm very angry. I'm scared. I can't live the rest of my life this way, and he doesn't seem to understand that. I'm resentful. I work full time and go to school and I have a great job and I make good money and I bust my ass, only to get further and further behind. He feels guilty. He feels bad that I'm so stressed and hurt. It's just enough to keep me from breaking his heart. Right now. I try to feel that love, the way I used to, and I may get a short glimpse at it once and awhile, but it just makes me sad. Not hopeful, like it should.
My friends are divided. The ones who know him well say that they'll support me no matter what I do, but that if we could survive this, we would be better than ever. They're not sure whether he gets it either. No one seems to know what an appropriate amount of time is to give him to see if this is something he'll overcome. If he doesn't get a new job soon, we won't be able to keep our mortgage current. If that isn't a line in the sand, I don't know what is.
I worry about throwing something really special away like yesterday's trash. I worry that I'll regret not leaving, and that in another five years, I'll be that much older. If I can do that. If he can keep a job? I don't know. I just don't know.
My good job means that I make enough money to live on my own. I could probably keep my house, but I don't know if I would do that. Too many bad memories, too far from work and too isolated from people. I wonder if I could get a deal on a bankruptcy and a divorce? Just kidding. I think.
I'm not yet thirty. He's four years older. I'm coming into a lot of confidence, and a lot of success, along with a lot of hard work and a ton of fun. I want an equal partner to share it with. I question my husband's ability to be that partner. My frustration and anger and fear mean that I see him through a veil of resentment. I've asked myself how I would feel if he were suddenly happy in his career and making decent money. I don't have the answer to that question, but I wonder how much of that is resentment and disgust as opposed to the actual absence of love and tenderness.
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