Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Monday, August 04, 2008

I'm just not sure what to say

To the wonderful people who are so supportive and kind, thank you's aren't quite enough. You all rock and yes, it does make a difference for people to acknowledge that being sick like I'm sick is hard, life-altering, and scary. I appreciate it more than you know. It makes me believe that I'm not crazy, this IS hard and it IS life-changing. I need to be reminded of that often.

To the rest of the hundreds of people that stopped by and kept silent.... well, I guess it's pretty much what I expected. I'm not surprised, it's always this way. Everyone knows what to say when it's cancer. Nobody knows what to say when it's a wonky heart. Everyone is always in support of the cancer patient. Nobody knows how to acknowledge a chronic disease.

But guess what? An "I'm sorry you are having such a hard time" goes a really long way. An acknowledgement that I opened up my heart and told you how sad and angry and confused I am would be helpful. Even a virtual hug, and lord knows I'm not a big fan of the virtual hug. But god dammit people, give me a hint that you don't have a heart made of cement. Throw me a bone, will ya? Gimme a link, make me a button, do SOMETHING to make me know that I'm being heard.

Right now, I'm fed up and tired and have absolutely nothing to say that is remotely funny or interesting. My life revolves around errands. I am petrified about the upcoming school year. It's the Boy's senior year and that means college applications, college visits, financial aid, etc. The thought of it makes my stomach churn. I don't know how we're going to get through it.

I'm also terribly worried about what is going to happen with the Girl's schooling once we have the mediation meeting. The meeting that has yet to be scheduled. With a month till school starts, the uncertainty is kind of killing me. Never mind her. It is mind numbing. The good news is that she earned an A+ in her summer school math class, thus proving my point that when she is challenged, she rises to the challenge because she's competitive. When she's thrown in to loser classes, she goes right to the lowest common denominator. Even she admitted that this morning. It's going to be an interesting and stress-filled August.

The only bright spot is Pepper, the world's most adorable and brave kitten. We're all madly in love with her.

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Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I do hope things get better for you soon. ANY health issue that holds a person back is a terrible one, y/k? And, don't even get me started on how hard this winter is going to be for people in these colder parts of the country. It really scares me to think that many will be living with just barely enough heat and food to get by. Hang in there!

4/8/08 9:41 PM  
Blogger Florinda said...

I'm sorry. I was one of the people who stopped by earlier and didn't say anything because I didn't know WHAT to say. I'm glad you're able to find support out here, and I wish there were more that we could do.

4/8/08 11:06 PM  
Blogger Dave2 said...

The fact that hundreds of people care enough about you to stop by every day and read about your life... even when they don't know what to say in a comment... well, I'd hope you could take some support from that. Even when people may not have hardships themselves, it's rare that anybody is free from hardships in the lives of people around them. Given that, sometimes there's nothing left to say.

4/8/08 11:51 PM  
Blogger Storm said...

I'm sorry you've been slammed with so much at once :( It's bad enough being slammed with everything that can go wrong will go wrong, but I know it's 10 times and then some even worse when your body isn't up to everyday things. :(

Pepper is adorable! :)

5/8/08 12:56 AM  
Blogger Fox In Detox said...

Hi Margalit,

Don't feel badly when people don't comment on your blog. It doesn't mean that they don't care for you or about your condition. It could simply mean that they feel uncomfortable in not knowing what to say in a situation as dire as yours...or that their words will not provide you any comfort...or perhaps that they will say the wrong thing and hurt you. Just know that there are people out there who read you every day, and feel for you whether they comment about it or not...some may even be going through some of the same things you are. Don't equate a lack of comments to people not caring about you. You are worth much more than that.

5/8/08 7:17 AM  
Blogger karamac said...

I'm here. I read. I care about you and your family. I'm sorry you are feeling so down.

5/8/08 8:40 AM  
Blogger Daisy said...

You know what scares me? I know that you are not the only one suffering. You're suffering more than most, but our current administration doesn't have a clue, and therefore will do nothing to help adjust economic policies that will make a difference - a real difference.
Keep speaking up, friend, people need to hear from you.

5/8/08 9:32 AM  
Blogger queerpoet said...

I was one of those who stopped by, read your words and didn't comment. And not because I didn't know what to say. I know what having a chronic illness does to one's life: my best friend passed away 2 months ago after suffering for 7 years with her illness. And I am a Cancer survivor myself (and believe me, there are plenty of people who don't know what to say to a cancer diagnosis as well). For me not commenting, is more that I add you to my prayer list, and continue reading you and hoping that things improve for you. I guess I didn't leave a comment, because I no longer have a blog, and don't really know what impact my letting you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers would have on your spirit. So for that I am sorry. And hope that things improve.


5/8/08 10:18 AM  
Blogger kyle said...

I have been reading for the past month or so and was one of thos yesterday who didn't quite know what to say. I will admit that I am a cancer "widow" (was "only" engaged so can't use the term legally). Yes- cancer does seem to strike a nerve with people, but any person with a heart out there is struck by anyone going through a chronic illness.
Living in the same neck of the woods that you do I can only say that I hope it gets easier though I don't have much faith in that. If you are concerned about your heating costs may I suggest contacting Action for Boston Community Development- they may be able to help you. I know that they have an assistance program that I don't think you have to be a resident of the city to be part of. I've been trying to save up for my heating bills but it is still going to be a rough winter.
As far as the food costs have you looked at your local churches and synagogues. I know a few by me have food programs of sorts and in these times no one can be too proud to reach out for some help.
I hope that things somehow get easier for you. I wish I could do more for you.

5/8/08 2:31 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Margalit, I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I did not realize that things were getting worse with your health. My own health doesn't allow me to keep up with every blog I would like to in a a timely fashion so sometimes I'm two weeks behind.

That being said, I agree with what Dave2 has to say. I found that many times last year when I lashed out in anger I drove people away. I mean, who would want to come near me if I was attacking them for not giving me the support I thought they should? (In fact Dave2 called me on one time).

I've found that my own attitude has changed everything. How I deal with my life and how it affects everyone else. Attitude is HUGE. For me, having a positive, good attitude has improved my physical, emotional and spiritual health in ways I could never have imagined...and I'm a pretty sick chick.

5/8/08 8:28 PM  

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