Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

View My Complete Profile

My Amazon.com Wish List

Rate this Blog at Blogged

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket



Alltop, confirmation that we kick ass

Powered by FeedBlitz

Subscribe with Bloglines

Blog Search: The Source for Blogs

Add to Technorati Favorites


Powered by Blogger

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Feeling lost in a world of support

I'm terribly unhappy today. Sad. Feeling like I just don't know where to turn. Not sure who to talk to, not sure what to do. But I must soldier on because that's what mothers do, regardless of the circumstances. We make things regular despite the difficulties we're experiencing. We gloss over the bad to emphasize the good. We encourage, we trust, we attempt to let our kids grow more independent. Even when it bites us in the butt, we still try.

I've known for a while that something was wrong. The Boy has been horribly cantankerous, very obnoxious, and even more difficult to live with than usual. He's spend a good 90% of his time insulting me, saying hurtful things, and in general making me horribly miserable. Yes, he's a teenager and they are apt to push buttons just for fun, but this was different. This was purposely hurtful nasty stuff.

Along with the continual verbal abuse, he was even more resistant than normally to do chores. Everything was a battle, every battle ended with how much he hated me and what a bitch I was. Simple declarations like "Hey, tonight is garbage night" were treated like I was torturing him. His reactions were off the wall. Something was very wrong.

I gave him some rope, because he's going through some losses. Both his therapist and his psychopharm have left and we're sailing solo right now through this sea of insanity until replacements are assigned. He's just started seeing a temporary therapist, but the reality is, he's not going to share anything with her for a long long time. It's just not his way to let down his guard.

I thought that the losses were affecting his behavior, letting him test out just how horrid he could be to me while I had nobody to report to. Then I thought that his getting sick was part of the problem. And it was, for a few days. But the behavior continued unabated.

Last night he really went too far. Way too far. Like over the hills and through the woods too far. And I sat there and took the abuse and didn't say anything, because anything that I utter is just fodder for more abuse. I know that this is pretty typical bipolar behavior, but I also know that this behavior is exhibited when the meds were off. Ding Ding Ding!

So this morning I went and looked at his medicine bottles. The bottles that I had just given him control over because he begged and begged for it. He hasn't been taking his meds. Any of them. At all. For a long time now. We last refilled the 30 day prescriptions on 9/15 and the bottles are all at least half full.

When he came home from school I talked to him and of course he denied the obvious. But I told him that I'm back to handing out the meds. He did admit that he has skipped one of the meds 'occasionally' but the other ones, he swears he's been taking. He hasn't. He's in denial. He doesn't realize just how the lack of medication affects him.

I'm so sad for him. He can't possibly go to college if he can't be trusted to take his meds. There is no way I can leave him alone if he isn't med compliant. I had hoped that at some point the medication would become second nature to him, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm sorry that I made such an error. It's affected me, it's affected his sister, his schoolwork, his relationships with friends. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to know that he could be med compliant so I didn't have to treat him like an infant. I was wrong, and I feel terrible about it. This is a bad mommy moment.

Labels: , , , , ,

Digg! Stumble It! JBlog Me add to kirtsy


Blogger Nina said...

Oh M, I'm just feeling for you. Sometimes I just wanna pull the covers over my head too, but of course I can't. Here's a hug.
{{{ }}}

28/10/08 2:11 PM  
Blogger Rhea said...

I hear that noncompliance is quite common. I have a friend who is bipolar who does take medication, but tells me that the manic part of the illness gives you a great feeling. So why would they want to take meds? Awful.

28/10/08 2:17 PM  
Blogger Crazed Mom said...

Sweetpea, HUGS! This is typical behavior for bipolars. Especially in their teens and twenties when they cannot comprehend how their behavior affects all others in their lives. He can't help it. Hard to grasp, I know. But so very true.

I hope he settles down quickly.

28/10/08 2:53 PM  
Blogger bethany actually said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the frustration and sorrow you must be feeling. You and your family are in my prayers!

28/10/08 3:13 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

My kids are not bipolar, but they do need their medication to function properly. My oldest (14) recently decided he doesn't need it and the results have been disastrous. He failed four classes the first quarter of school. Also, not taking his medication or stopping abruptly can cause symptoms very similar to bipolar, so I'm familiar with some of what you're experiencing, although not to the same degree of course.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I wish I had some great advice, but I just don't.

28/10/08 3:59 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

so sad for you...knowing it's normal isn't helpful. not at all.

28/10/08 8:13 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

Copyright, 2003-2011 by Animzmirot Design Group. All rights reserved. No part of this blog may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval without written permission from Margalit, the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. In other words, stealing is bad, and if you take what doesn't belong to you, it's YOUR karma.