Feeling lost in a world of support
I've known for a while that something was wrong. The Boy has been horribly cantankerous, very obnoxious, and even more difficult to live with than usual. He's spend a good 90% of his time insulting me, saying hurtful things, and in general making me horribly miserable. Yes, he's a teenager and they are apt to push buttons just for fun, but this was different. This was purposely hurtful nasty stuff.
Along with the continual verbal abuse, he was even more resistant than normally to do chores. Everything was a battle, every battle ended with how much he hated me and what a bitch I was. Simple declarations like "Hey, tonight is garbage night" were treated like I was torturing him. His reactions were off the wall. Something was very wrong.
I gave him some rope, because he's going through some losses. Both his therapist and his psychopharm have left and we're sailing solo right now through this sea of insanity until replacements are assigned. He's just started seeing a temporary therapist, but the reality is, he's not going to share anything with her for a long long time. It's just not his way to let down his guard.
I thought that the losses were affecting his behavior, letting him test out just how horrid he could be to me while I had nobody to report to. Then I thought that his getting sick was part of the problem. And it was, for a few days. But the behavior continued unabated.
Last night he really went too far. Way too far. Like over the hills and through the woods too far. And I sat there and took the abuse and didn't say anything, because anything that I utter is just fodder for more abuse. I know that this is pretty typical bipolar behavior, but I also know that this behavior is exhibited when the meds were off. Ding Ding Ding!
So this morning I went and looked at his medicine bottles. The bottles that I had just given him control over because he begged and begged for it. He hasn't been taking his meds. Any of them. At all. For a long time now. We last refilled the 30 day prescriptions on 9/15 and the bottles are all at least half full.
When he came home from school I talked to him and of course he denied the obvious. But I told him that I'm back to handing out the meds. He did admit that he has skipped one of the meds 'occasionally' but the other ones, he swears he's been taking. He hasn't. He's in denial. He doesn't realize just how the lack of medication affects him.
I'm so sad for him. He can't possibly go to college if he can't be trusted to take his meds. There is no way I can leave him alone if he isn't med compliant. I had hoped that at some point the medication would become second nature to him, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm sorry that I made such an error. It's affected me, it's affected his sister, his schoolwork, his relationships with friends. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to know that he could be med compliant so I didn't have to treat him like an infant. I was wrong, and I feel terrible about it. This is a bad mommy moment. Stumble It! JBlog Me