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Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Living in fear

Our family is having a difficult time right now. Nothing all that out of the ordinary, but still not pleasant. The Boy is reacting to both his therapist and psychopharm leaving him. The therapist is hugely pregnant but will return in a few months. I don't know what contingency plan she's made and he's not talking. The psychopharm, however, is a disaster in the making. We love him, we count on him, and we're going to have a difficult time making a transition after several years of successful treatment.

Because of the changes he's more beligerant than usual, is doing a boatload of shouting, and is acting in fact like he's slightly deranged much of the time. Oh, that's right. He IS. Ooops, I forgot. Anyhow, it's tough living with someone louder, bigger, and brasher than I am, who has the vocabulary of an entire village of fishwives. He's mean to me. All the time. It tends to wear me down, even though I know that irritablity is part of his illness. It's very hard to live with, especially since I'm his target most of the time. I can't do anything right. I can't say anything without him yelling at me. It makes me sad and scared for him. I worry about his future. How will he get on when he's so angry and negative all the time?

The Girl isn't home much. She's working a lot and enjoying the fruits of her labor. That child has turned instantly cheap. She spent years and years taking from me, but every penny that she has to give to the household, a mere $20 per paycheck, is grumbled over like I'm demanding half her money. She's essentially paying for the gas that I use to cart her back and forth to work. You would think I'm asking her for the damn moon. Meanwhile, she's spent hundreds on clothing she's coveted for years. I am thrilled that she can afford to buy what she wants, as I couldn't provide those items for her. She feels good about herself and about her ability to earn enough to get what she wants. She has a decent savings plan in place, and she understands that she can't keep spending all her money on expensive items. She's pretty damn down to earth.

But when she's home, she has no interest in helping out at all, and she and her brother aren't getting along that well as he's baiting her with all he's got. It makes for a difficult environment when she's home. He misses her and he doesn't quite know how to deal with those feelings so he gets more obnoxious. He's always missed her. She never misses him. It's complicated. But I worry a lot about how they are going to get along once I'm gone. They only have each other and they need to make a better relationship for the future.

My fear of the kids future is only exacerbated by the fear that I feel for the country. I knew that something was amiss. I'm crying a lot, I feel unsteady and unsure. I'm tired and sleep way too much. All signs of depression. I increased my meds, but I still feel terribly shakey. It's the economy, stupid. I'm petrified. Today the Governor of Massachusetts announced huge cuts in our budget. Over a billion dollars cut. Thousands of jobs will disappear. The social services will be negatively affected, which is frightening considering that they have already been cut to the bone by Mitt Romney. The Department of Mental Health will be pared down and services will disappear. I'm probably going to lose my home health aide, and that is going to suck. I don't know what else will disappear, it's too soon to tell yet. But typically the poor will be the first to feel the pain of cut budgets. And that makes me really really scared. We're barely scraping by. Once the kids leave for college I'm going to have to move because I can't afford to live here anymore. If I do lose my home health aide, I'm going to have to find a subsidized assisted living place. Just what I want, to live with a bunch of elderly people and not be allowed to have my kids come home to stay with me.

This is scary stuff. The fear is eating me up inside. I feel as if my life is being determined by everyone else. All the people that made tons on Wall Street, all the people with foreclosed homes. All the people carrying huge amounts of credit card debt. All the people that live beyond their means. All those mistakes made by other folks are affecting me and my family. And it's wicked scary.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Never That Easy said...

The fear, it is like a living, breathing thing... I feel it too, as so much is changing and so many of the services I need could be cut. I'm trying to just take it a little bit at a time: for today, I still have what I need, and it's likely that I will tomorrow: after that, we'll just have to wait and see.

I'm sorry that your boy is having to deal with all these changes already, and that you are both suffering for it.

May today be a better day.

16/10/08 9:38 AM  
Blogger KLee said...

Your situation is tough. It's bad enough to have only ONE of those problems, but to be heaped with all of them, no damn wonder you're depressed!

I hope like hell that things somehow get better for you. I hope that you don't lose your home health aide, that you don't have to resort to an assisted living facility, and that your son improves.

I wish that there was something I could do for you, even if it was just to come over and give you a hug. You're in my thoughts.

16/10/08 5:43 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I'm a fraternal twin. And we had the same dynamic going on in our house when we were teens- except the roles were reversed. I was like your boy. I always missed my brother. I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. He, on the other hand, was like your girl. Had no interest - did his own thing.. we fought. A LOT. Physically, verbally.. you name it. It was quite ugly. So in short, the message I want to send you is.. please don't worry about how your twins will be later on. This WILL change as they get older. They will identify more with each other as time passes and they mature more. My brother is now my best friend.. and I firmly believe that eventually, your twins will be best friends, too.

(from Angela, aka welfaremum)

16/10/08 11:14 PM  
Blogger margalit said...

Angela, thanks so much for saying that. It really does help. I've been wondering how you are doing. Did you graduate yet? Working? How are the boys?

16/10/08 11:48 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

I'm truly sorry I have been out of touch. Thanks for asking about the boys, they are doing very well. Both have recently discovered girls. It's gotten interesting around here to say the least! lol

I am actually graduating (Honest to God! For real!) at the end of this semester. I can not wait.

17/10/08 1:20 AM  

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