Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Friday, December 05, 2008

Damn real life getting in the way

I could lie and say I've been busy, but I haven't. I could tell you all sorts of stories of things I've been doing, but honestly, haven't done a damn thing. Not in days. Because I am not sleeping and it's getting so ridiculous at this point that I'm starting to see things that aren't there. I know... danger Will Robinson!

My eyes are so dry that no matter how much of the eye drop solutions I have specifically for dry eyes I pour into them, it does nothing. Because what I need isn't a solution, it's sleep. Blessed sleep.

Now, I know that I can blame the lack of sleep on menopause or aging or the position of the moon in the night sky, but in actuality I've always been such a crappy sleeper that I think it's just a cumulation of no set schedule, too much brain activity, and a lot of worrying. I have much to worry about.

I'm incredibly concerned that the Boy is not going to get it together to get anything done for college. Oh no, I can hear you say. She's going to whine about the kid and college again. But it's serious business, this college application stuff, and I can't even get him to remember to get his transcript and his class ranking, never mind get him to retake the SAT or actually choose 5 schools he'd like to apply to. He just can't seem to focus at all, and I'm horribly worried that the school year will end with him having absolutely no set plans and none of the work done that would enable him to apply to college in the future. When he's ready. Like, at 35 or 40, the rate he's going.

We've been talking about internships for next year and he's fairly interested in finding something in the music business, or in some type of media. Since we have a large and successful ABC affiliate right up the street, I've asked him to make contact and see if they hire interns that aren't in a college program. So far, nothing.

And I have to admit something here. Something I am quite surprised has hit me as hard as it has, even with a full year or two to go. I do not know what I am going to do with myself when these kids are gone. I mean it, when they are both gone for a weekend or even a night and I'm all by my lonesome, I feel like I have no grounding. I've been a mommy for so long, and they're now much more independent than I thought they would be, and I'm absolutely clueless on how to go about creating my own life after they're gone in college. I think I want to do this or that, but honestly, I'm frozen in my own little world and stepping out into a non-parental role scares me half to death. I believe my identity has been lost since I stopped working and became a full time mommy. Isn't that amazing? Nobody is more shocked about this than me. I'm gonna miss these kids when they leave home. Who would have thunk it after all the trouble they've given me over the years!

Last night I worked on my first column for our local paper. I'm going to be writing a weekly column about life in our fair city, and I'm thinking it's going to be a lot of fun. There's a lot to say and I do have a fairly unique perspective on it, as a poor person living in wealthyville. Heh.

My life. Anyone want it?

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Blogger Nina said...

Where can I read your column?

5/12/08 1:32 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

Have you thought about the Boy attending a 2 year local County College for the first 2 years (associates degree) and then transferring to a 4 year school for his bachelors? That's what I did because the thought of going away was far too overwhelming at first. My degree was from the second school, I didn't even put the first school on my resume. It's cheaper to do that too. It helped me and gave me 2 extra years to grow up a bit. Just a suggestion.

5/12/08 1:38 PM  
Blogger Rhea said...

I am amazed you will miss the kids. You need a break from all the stress!!! I think in short amount of time you will forge a new identity. You will find freedom. When my father died, my mother was devastated. Guess what? In a few years she started her own small business and blossomed.

5/12/08 3:44 PM  
Blogger margalit said...

Pam, I have no issue with a local community college but my son isn't so sure. He really doesn't want the 'stigma' of going right after high school. I know, he's weird. Fortunately that isn't our only option and he can (and will) take non-matriculating classes at BU or Harvard or a plethora of local colleges around here.

5/12/08 4:40 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

Raising kids with special needs takes extra energy and focus as well. I predict they'll need you for quite a while, even as they begin to move out. You'll always be their mom!

5/12/08 6:51 PM  

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