Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Monday, January 26, 2009

There are these days

I'm not well. I've been near collapse for a few days now, and today I need to just admit defeat and take a few days off to rebuild my strength. Except there is so much to do and it's not going to just disappear off the face of the earth. Like laundry. So many loads backed up that I'm down to wearing clothes 2 sizes too big for me. It's a definite fashion faux pas, but there you go. I think gigantic clothes go well with frizzy dry gray hair, skin with a slight green undertone, and dark circles under my eyes. I mean it, I look like absolute crap.

I keep thinking that I need to do something, just to look human again, but the whole thing got so out of hand in the last couple of years that I wouldn't even know where to start. Hair? Half gray, half brown. Has been growing out for about 2 years now, which makes it long, unruly, wiry and dry. I last colored it a year ago, and it grows so fast that the roots poked out in about 3 weeks. I decided it was too expensive to continue coloring it, so now it's 8 inches of gray and the rest a muddy brown. It's horrible.

Skin? It needs an entire face peel. My skin is dull, spotty, and pale. My eyes are puffy and the skin around them is dark blue. The skin is sagging around my chin and I've developed the horrible middle-age wattle. I'm dying for a lifestyle lift, except now I know that the women in the commercial had chin and neck plastic surgery too. Cheaters. I know that with a lot of expensive products I can look better, but really. In this economy who the heck has money to spend on a $200 bottle of stuff? It's just not possible for me, and honestly, I just don't care that much.

Weight? It is still going down slowly. Very slowly. I knew that at some point my body would get used to the new eating habits and begin to maintain a stable weight, which has indeed happened. Additionally, too freaking cold to go out to exercise. No way am I going to leave the house just to spend an hour at the JCC. Not until I buy a new bathing suit and do some water aerobics with the old ladies. I just do not have the juice to do it right now. Winter doldrums? Sure, I'll blame that.

Clothing? Old, stained, ripped, and too damn big. My winter clothing hasn't been replaced at all in years. I have absolutely nothing to wear that looks decent. I know this, but can't seem to find the impetus or finances to change this. One pair of pants I wear are so huge (3 sizes too big) that I look like a clown when I wear them. I know this, but I just can't deal with an alternative. The only things I own that fit are my jeans. When I wear them I look 20 lbs thinner because they fit. Unfortunately, only 1 pair. Can't wear them every day.

I get so overwhelmed with all this that I just do nothing. Because nothing seems easier than taking small steps towards self-improvement. I want to look better, I want to feel better about myself, but I'm stuck in that mommy trap of spending all the money on the kids and leaving nothing for me. I know this is wrong. I know I need to make changes. I honestly do not know where to start.

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Blogger mother in israel said...

I think it's amazing that you lost so much weight. That's a huge accomplishment, and much more challenging than a few loads of laundry or getting your hair done. You'll get to those other things soon.

26/1/09 3:33 PM  
Blogger bethany actually said...

So you're saying the fact that I tend to wear the same pair of jeans for several days in a row is a fashion faux pas?

You deserve at least one more pair of jeans, and some shirts that fit! I am always amazed at how much better I feel about life in general when I'm wearing clothes that fit and look decent on me. Not that you don't know this, but...c'mon, Margalit. :-)

And when you do get around to finding yourself some new clothes, can you come to my house and yell at me about my crappy clothes, and kick my butt into shopping-for-myself gear? Kthx.

26/1/09 3:36 PM  
Blogger Margaret Cloud said...

I am proud of you for having the courage to loose weight, that is a biggie in its self. You know I go to thrift shops, they have really nice clothes there. Don't worry about the house, it is not going anywhere.

26/1/09 5:13 PM  
Blogger Miguelina. said...

Cut your hair! 8 inches is enough for a nice cut - I'm willing to bet it will give you a nice lift. It doesn't have to cost a lot either - I took my mom to the supercuts in auburndale plaza and she loved them!

(I rarely cut my hair, but when I do I spend too much.)

And you don't need to buy expensive creams - I like Olay Regenerist, but sleep is more important. I SWEAR. I know how hard it is to go to bed at a decent hour.

Hope you feel better soon.

26/1/09 5:39 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

Hugs to you. Life is overwhelming, and somehow clothes pale in comparison when you're looking at the world view.
My advice? One new pair of jeans. it's a start, it'll get you out of the house, and you'll have something to wear while you do laundry. Simple pleasures can make a big difference.

27/1/09 3:07 PM  
Blogger Flutterby said...

Heck I shop at places like the Goodwill store and Savers (like Goodwill only a different beneficiary) even when I don't really have to. There are always bazillion of jeans in those places. When I was losing weight and a pair of jeans was falling off me every 3 or 4 weeks, I just couldn't make myself spend $40 or $50 on a new pair when I knew they weren't going to last. I could take that same money and get 3 or 4 entire outfits and have something nice to wear until I needed to get something else. Everyone is right... do at least one little thing nice for yourself!

27/1/09 9:57 PM  

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