Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Do you love yourself?

Today I heard someone say that they couldn't love anyone until they learned to love themselves. I thought about that statement for a long time, trying to make sense of it. How do you know when you love yourself? Do you fall in love with you? Does it mean that you like everything About yourself? Does it mean that you are confident in your choices? What does it mean to love yourself?

I think it is sad that at 58 I am pondering this question. Maybe it is because it never came up. More likely it is because I'm out of touch with who I am anymore.

I would guess that being housebound for weeks at a time doesn't help me, mostly because I get very little feedback on who I am and how I behave. I do know that the last time I got close to someone, she turned on me because she decided I am a terrible mother for allowing Graham to reside with me after he turned 18. This wasn't a mommy disagreement, it was an all out war on me and it shook me to my core. I lost sight of what Graham's needs were because my former friend had me questioning every word that sprung from my lips. Months later and a lot of distance has allowed me to step back and regain the confidence that I had temporarily lost.

I don't want to be plagued with mommy guilt, nor do I want to define myself as just a mommy. That makes me uncomfortable and sad, but right now, with nothing else going wrong with my life, I feel a bit lost. I'm not sure who I am anymore, so loving myself seems like a foreign concept.

I need more in my life. I need to do something that makes me feel good. I need to be happier, the first step to loving myself. But I'm not sure how.

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Blogger Ranchmom said...

I love you, if that helps. I was talking about you just the other day, believe it or not. : ) One of the ladies at my Bible study is a twin and I was telling her about how you used to go to that big mothers of multiples (or was it just twins?) sale in Boston and the absolutely adorable clothes you got Shannon that time.

27/1/11 10:13 AM  

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