Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Monday, February 07, 2011

What is my role?

I spend an inordinate amount of time doing nothing. It isn't necessarily my choice to do nothing. There is a whole world outside my door with plenty to do. I seem to be having a crisis of faith. My desire to do something is continually trumped by a combination of abject laziness and a lack of understanding about how to redefine myself now that I am no longer a mom of kids who need her daily. Not that my kids don't still need me. After all, who would be their living bank account if not for me? But they don't demand me to care for them like a toddler would. They might behave like toddlers, but they can cook their own meals and wash their own clothes and bathe all by themselves.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I want to work, but I don't think I even remember how. If I could go back to my former career, that might be a successful move. But my former career basically died out in the past ten years and it is now a job that pays nothing and is rare as most people no longer buy software with printed documentation. Besides, I think 20+ years at the worlds most boring job is enough punishment for this lifetime.

I've investigated working at home jobs, and have yet to find one that I could do part time that is interesting, makes use of my skill set, and could deal with my health issues. It seems obvious to me that what I can do successfully is a job where I'm my own boss, that keeps teaching me new things so I don't lose interest, and allows me to work my own weird hours. Like at night, when I'm awake. It has to be a job that pays up, but not over $1000/mth so I don't lose my Medicare and Social Security.

I wish I could make something that I could sell on ETSY. I actually have a good idea but I need a jigsaw, wood, and paint for a startup.

I feel like all I say is But but but. I'm overwhelmed with excuses for being stuck. My confidence is at an all time low. But but but....

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