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Name: margalit
Location: Massachusetts, United States Professional writer, educational advocate, opinionated ultra liberal mother of 18 year old twins, living life in the slow lane due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, congestive heart failure, and diabetes.

email: margalitc at yahoo dot com

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What is holding us back?

I've been thinking a lot about the social anxiety that both Graham and I suffer from. Gemma, to a certain degree is also socially anxious, especially with other females. Surprisingly, she has become one of those women that has all male friends. She has been screwed over so many times by other girls that I think she is no longer willing to trust them. Plus her NVLD often confuses her on the way women communicate verses male communication. I think that, in typical Gemma fashion, she is taking the easy way rather than to struggle thru relationships that confuse her.

OTOH, I've been a social pariah my entire life, and I tend towards extreme introvertedness. I also have trouble with social niceties. I'm not a small talker, I'm so uncomfortable with small talk, especially in a social situation that I prefer to just not go to social situations at all.  I just have no patience for my fear. It angers me, but I'm so much better than I used to be. I've agoraphobic, I've been unable to go into public spaces due to panic and excessive fear. I'm not like that anymore, but my anxiety rises to the top of my throat and my head starts aching. I'm good at lying to cover up my anxiety, but that takes so much energy that avoidance becomes my easy way out.

Tonight I asked Graham what was holding him back right now. Of course he didn't answer me, but we have to look at this because he's suffering right now. He's desperately unhappy. Of course he continues to self medicate, which we have talked about, and he refuses to take the medication that would allow him to function better. All those depressants he pours down his throat and inhales into his lungs aren't good for him, but he has to learn this on his own. Anything I say is wrong because I'm a moron according to him. He refuses to see a therapist. He refuses to get help in any manner. He has to want the help, and so far, it is a no go.

Fear is holding us both back. We need to start working on our fears individually and together. We need to help each other to move forward. I have no idea of how to start this because Graham is totally resistant to talking without becoming abusive towards me. I'm not up for the abuse, either. Ground rules need to be set. Topics need to be defined. Trust needs to be established. It all seems overwhelming, but it has to be done.

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