My life in the archives

I've been posting on this blog on and off since 2003. In 2003 my kids were just starting middle school, we had moved back from California during the high tech bubble, and I was job hunting like mad to no avail. Things were rough financially, but we were all basically in good physical and emotional health. Graham was on medication and in school and seemed to be doing OK. Gemma was having problems socially but had not yet been diagnosed with NVLD, so her issues were still a mystery to me.

Last night I read a bunch of posts in my archive and was rather astounded by my tone. I sounded so much happier and more hopeful back them. Even though life was fairly bleak, I was doing ok. I was able to work and when I found a job, I was able to perform it well until all hell broke loose with Graham at the end of 7th grade. The intense stress put me over the edge physically and I ended up terribly sick. I had my first heart surgery during that time. But even with real trauma and drama, plus a lot of anger, I still wrote a lot of positive stuff. Funny, because I can't remember being funny or happy or positive, but I was. My writing shows me that I was.

I don't feel particularly emotive these days. In psychiatry it is called a flat affect. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not anything. I move from day to day like I'm floating. I get mad, I laugh, I cry, but I feel flat. I didn't have my antidepressants for about 10 days (insurance hell) and during that time I cried a lot. Several times a day over anything. Or nothing.

I got my prescription on Friday and because I hadn't had any in days, I took a smaller dose. I knew that I would end up sleeping through a few days, because I'm sensitive to medications. I did sleep, and I stopped crying. But the flat affect seems to be stronger and I'm not sure I like it. At least I'm not screaming at the kids anymore. I get really testy when I'm not medicated.

I wish that I could find more of a happy medium. I know that if I could get out on my own and start exploring life around me, it would make me feel better. But I need some kind of helpful transportation. A Segue would be perfect but Medicare doesn't pay for them. A scooter would work but I have no place to put it. Ditto for a wheel chair. We have a huge front porch and a large deck, but they are for the landlords who are in their 80's and really not into sharing space. The won't even allow us to put a coat rack outside our front door or our mop and broom out the back door.  They would keel over dead if we asked to keep a scooter in the hall. They still yell at us to take ALL the junk mail, even though I have told them again and again that it is NOT addressed to us. Sigh.

I need to find that happiness again. I hate being so flat. so what do you suggest?

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