Lonely, I'm Ms Lonely

I got nobody to call my own...

Bobby Vinton had it right. I've been really lonely recently. Part, no most of it is my own doing. I've been so stuck in the house for so long that I can barely remember a time when I felt free. Now that I've got the Ride back, there is such a big city to go out and see that I'm actually overwhelmed with possibilities.

To nobody's surprise, I'm not great with people. For far too long I've been fearful of getting too close to anyone. I wouldn't be wrong to say that a lot of this goes back to my family of origin and their early rejection of me as a member of their family. I'm really  not a member of any family right now. Oh, my own tiny family for sure. But otherwise I have no parents and no siblings that I have any relationship with. I'm an embarrassment to my siblings. I'm poor and fat and in medical distress and that doesn't say inviting, especially to a group of people to whom outward appearances speak louder than what is inside. I own nothing material, I have no career anymore, and I have little to talk about other than my kids, my health and politics. I'm not exactly a joy to have around.

But no matter how negatively I feel about myself and my circumstances, I still want and need human interaction that goes beyond telling kids to wash the damn dishes and take out the garbage. That gets REALLY old really fast. I love my kids, but they aren't my entire life. I want more. I need much much more. I'm not a bad person, but I'm prickly and I have been over-preoccupied with me to the detriment of my mental well-being.

I feel as it I'm a burden to society. I'm hanging on with all the strength I have, but on the other hand, I'd like a bit of support. I'm so tired of fighting for every single thing in my life. One of the worst parts of being poor is that people never think of you. I feel like I've disappeared into the woodwork. I had a group of friends that all deserted me as soon as I needed help last summer. One accused me of being a 'grifter' which was about as insulting as you can be, and yet she didn't offer one second of help when she knew how I was struggling. Other people made promises but never kept any of them. The people that did help did so with caveats or strings. I was appreciative and let them know that in every way I could, but the reality is, friendships ended over us losing our home. People with gobs of money not only didn't offer help, but told me how I should have had the money to just rent a home without the understanding of how much it would cost me. They made me feel terrible about myself instead of being kind and supportive. One person never even said a thing. She just dumped me, not responding to my emails or calls.

So I'm gun shy. I don't seem to pick out the best friends. And I don't seem to be able to sustain relationships because I'm either a sad sack or the worst possible judge of character. I seem to attract people who are also struggling in life. And I tend to take on their issues, even with my own issues threatening to drown me. Oh, and there is that whole social anxiety thing that makes it impossible to go anywhere without freaking out. Plus my inability to small talk.

I'm a real social pariah, and yet I'm lonely. What a conundrum. I need more out of life than what I'm currently living. I just am clueless of how to get it.

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